


only, simply, absolutely just

by eyesopen



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Powers, F/F, Friends to Lovers, In which Em makes everything a rom-com because why the hell not, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-02 13:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8668570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyesopen/pseuds/eyesopen
Summary: If only Kara Danvers didn't work the same shift that interfered with Lena's horrendous habit of strolling in for a coffee at nearly twelve in the morning, maybe none of this ever would have happened in the first place. Or, maybe it would have, because as Alex Danvers claims, there is no escaping the doomed rom-com cliché once it finds you.





	1. every national city backroad leads to irony

**Author's Note:**

> alternative title: when lena met kara.

Lena Luthor and Kara Danvers are friends, even though barely acquaintances is the more appropriate description to label their so called relationship. The only reason the two of them are friends to begin with is because Kara works at the little bakery off campus walk that Lena frequents, especially during the late, ‘it’s almost close and why are you still out this late’ shift, and Kara never once complains about brewing a whole batch of coffee or warming up a croissant for her. They barely exchange anything other than customer-employee formalities—maybe if the maker was taking its precious time Kara would ask Lena about her day because it’s always written on her face she didn’t like awkward silences going empty, but never anything beyond that.

Somewhere along the blurred days of her _final_ final exams and a caffeine withdrawal haze and trying to stuff her entire apartment into three suitcases and a couple of boxes that would inevitably sit in storage until the end of time itself, Lena overhears Kara talking on the phone while she’s trying to close in a rather intriguing conversation. This is where it begins.

“Alex, I’m serious,” she says, her voice shifting up an octave in impatience. “There’s no way my car is going to survive from here to National City on a time crunch, I don’t—she’s _what_?” Lena lurks a few steps away from the counter, trying not to make her eavesdropping an entirely obvious feat. “Alright, alright, _fine_ , I’ll be there, but you’re paying for my gas on the trip back,” she settles, hanging up the phone and tucking it into the back pocket of her jeans.

Lena’s presence startles her—even though the overhead bell on the door jingled when she came strolling in—and Kara’s quick to try and gather her composure when she sees who’s standing there. “Oh, gosh, have you been standing there long?” she asks, concern riddling her face. “I’m sorry, my sister was having a crisis and…yeah, right, okay, your usual?” Kara pushes her glasses up a little higher on the bridge of her nose, apparently they’d fallen in the midst of her flustered rambling, which Lena finds adorable.

“Just walked in,” Lena clarifies, smile pulling on the corners of her lips. “And sure, the usual.”

Kara goes about her routine, starting up the espresso machine and reaching into the dry case for a cinnamon apple turnover, wrapping it in a napkin and gently placing it into a bag before extending it to Lena. Lena takes the opportunity for what it is, an eyebrow quirking in curiosity. “Traveling over break?” she asks, and while it’s a sigh nonetheless, Kara manages to make it lighthearted.

“Yeah, my sister – um, well, she’s got some stuff going on and could use a little sister time, that type of thing, so she’s wanting me to come visit her back home,” Kara explains, before gesturing towards Lena. “What, uh, how about you? Any plans?”

Lena shrugs nonchalantly, her finger absentmindedly running over the top of the bag. “I’m graduating this semester,” she says, and the look on Kara’s face spells out that she wasn’t anticipating that kind of answer at all.

“You’re graduating early? Of course you are,” she says, before looking back at Lena and realizing that oh shit, she’s said that out loud. Lena can’t help but to chuckle. “I mean, congratulations, that’s really awesome! Like, really, really awesome, I wish I was going to get to finish up early. Are you heading back home to, um, celebrate or something?”

“Not exactly; any time I go to National City, there’s never a vacation itinerary attached,” Lena mutters, her eyes casting downwards. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Kara’s got about a trillion different questions on her tongue, all of which head in varying directions and it’s twinkling there in her eyes.

Instead of asking what Lena thinks is coming next— _what are you doing in National City? Why are you going there after graduation instead of Fiji like the rest of your bioengineering friends?—_ Kara nearly knocks the wind out of her and things begin to derail in a gloriously awkward fashion. “Would you maybe want to carpool with me? That’s where my sister lives and it’s not like I’m going to have any, uh, well any other company with me so shotgun will be free and I drive a pretty big car, so there’s plenty of room. And it’s completely up to you; if you don’t want to you, you don’t have to, we don’t really know each other all that well but I just thought it would maybe be fun and a little less lonely that way and—“

Lena’s a bit taken aback by the proposition, seeing as how it came out of nowhere, but she still manages to let out a small laugh as she goes about reassuring the disconcerted blonde across the counter. “Kara, it’s fine. I’d like that,” she says, and even though she’s going to have to figure out a smooth excuse for selling her first class seats secondhand, it’s going to be worth it judging by how Kara’s cheeks are still burning red and that sheepish grin on her face that screams satisfaction.

This is entirely and utterly _Kara_ , of course, or as much as Kara as she's seen. Crazy, perhaps—for all she knows, Lena could very easily be a murderer or trying to take advantage of her in some way, but she's willing to invite her trademark closing-crasher on a road trip all the way up to National City without any sort of hesitation. Lena decides then that Kara is inherently good, beyond taking off the few extra cents when she knows Lena doesn't have it or slipping her an extra half of a turnover when Lena comes in after a harrowing test and it's showing on her face. There are a few things you can tell right off the bat about someone, and Lena doesn't need any other evidence to determine that Kara Danvers is nothing short of _good_.

The espresso machine makes a weird noise, and Kara grabs the cup of coffee to hand to Lena. “Two sound good?” she asks, drawing her hands back as soon as the cup touches Lena’s fingertips, like she’s scared if she brushes skin she’ll burst into flames.

“Perfect.”

Funny, Lena thinks, how all roads, especially those to National City, always lead to irony. 

* * *

Kara’s waiting for her right on time Wednesday afternoon out in front of her apartment complex, after she interrupted Lena’s one am last-minute packing extravaganza in a full panic in need of thoroughly detailed directions to her place, her reasoning for such stacked in a laundry list of worry that she was going to royally screw this up. And, in the midst of it, a congratulations on her graduation a few hours earlier.

“Hi,” she says, her face stretched into that perma-grin Lena has no idea in hell she’s able to always hold as she extends her foot, rolling her ankle around a few times before the trunk clicks and opens on its own and _god_ , does she look so pleased with herself. “Look, magic trunk.”

Finding Kara adorable is inevitable; on anyone else, granted, Lena’s sure she’d have rolled her eyes and walked in the opposite direction, but Kara is different. Kara is _infectious_. “Indeed it is,” she replies.

She’s insistent on helping Lena load her stuff into the car, even though Lena knows she may as well have packed cinderblocks, and Lena keeps trying to tell Kara that she’s got it, dammit, she doesn’t _mind_ getting it, but Kara Danvers does not take no for an answer, apparently, and hoists every last piece of luggage into the car on her own. Lena really has no idea how she does it, and is convinced on the spot that Kara has superhuman strength and a desire for organization, seeing as how their bags are all neatly arranged on some sort of system with space to spare.

“I made a road trip playlist last night,” Kara admits after Lena climbs into the car, one hand on the steering wheel and the other scratching behind her neck, a nervous tic that Lena’s noticed she does whenever someone comes into the bakery that makes her feel uncomfortable, and Lena’s praying that she’s not putting Kara on edge by her presence. “I like to make playlists whenever I go places or do things that last longer than an hour and a half; it’s um, it’s on my phone if you want to look through it or find something else you like, or if you want to listen to the radio, that’s cool, too.”

Lena’s beginning to realize that Kara has a bit of trouble keeping her composure whenever she’s around, and she’s not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.

She grabs Kara’s phone from the cup holder while Kara gets buckled, pressing the unlock button. Curiosity piques when she sees her wallpaper; Kara’s arms are tightly wrapped around a smaller brunette whom she appears to be squishing (with her strength, Lena can’t say she’s surprised) and the smile on her face is so wide her eyes and nose are scrunched up and even little pieces of blonde hair falling across can’t take away from it. Lena briefly wonders who the mystery brunette is, and the possibilities in her head are winding: it could be the sister, could be a friend, roommate, that one girl who works at the bakery and Lena always gets disappointed seeing whenever she comes in expecting Kara on the closing shift—

The sound of Kara turns the keys in the ignition only distracts her a little, but it’s her turn to be startled for once when the speakers practically explode, the entire car shaking as the bass from what Lena barely makes out to be an old Missy Elliott song rattles them both. Kara’s of course three steps past alarmed by this, nearly hitting her head on the ceiling of the car as she jumps. Lena helps her out a little bit, pressing the pause button that’s now appeared on Kara’s phone right about the time Kara’s recovered enough to find the volume knob and nearly breaks it as she turns it to the left. It’s silent for a moment, just the two of them trying to catch their breath after that pleasant surprise.

“I might have started the road trip playlist on my drive over,” Kara confesses, her breathing still labored, and Lena chuckles as she pushes her sunglasses down onto her nose.

“I can see that.”

* * *

Lena thought the superhuman strength thing was a bit of a quirk, nothing to be genuinely concerned by, but she’s starting to reconsider the idea that perhaps Kara just isn’t human, period.

National City’s roughly an eleven hour drive from Midvale University, and if the GPS that randomly keeps interrupting Kara’s playlist that’s now hit a ten-song Taylor Swift streak with ‘ _rerouting’_ is any indication, she’s aiming to cut time by taking the nine hour back-road route. They’ve only been on the road for about two and a half hours or so, and it’s barely even dinner time in Lena Luthor’s world, and yet Kara’s already finished off an entire bag of pretzels and cleaned out a whole Tupperware of last night’s leftover potstickers that while trying to fetch out of the backseat, she nearly drove the car into a ditch. Meanwhile, Lena’s barely taken a sip of the water Kara brought for her.

She finally has to suggest they pull over whenever they find the next restaurant, because it’s silently killing her that Kara’s plowing through every road-trip snack that she’d probably intended for tonight when she needs the energy to keep her awake and yet, somehow, Lena doubts that’ll be the case because there’s no way in _hell_ Kara Danvers is human, she’s sure of it. She’s even willing to throw away the last month of her vowing to eat healthy and not succumb to the Chinese restaurant two blocks over that delivers at any hour of the night for fast food, if that’s what they pass by first.

Fortunately, the first sign of civilization beyond trees, farms, and sketchy gas stations is a diner, and Kara merely glances over at Lena while she turns her blinker on, looking for some sign of approval from her even though Kara’s stomach has already made the decision for them.  

It’s homey and filled with traveling stragglers like them, and Lena doesn’t know if she’s just out of her element in a place like this, that’s quaint and quiet and Kara’s just used to it or what. If anything, this to her is a vast, vast ocean and she is a minnow, meanwhile Kara’s a damn catfish swimming around in a bathtub. Lena Luthor has never done a diner in her life as far as she can remember.

She begins to wonder why that is the longer they’re there.

Being behind the bakery counter over the last three months that they’ve known one another hasn’t really been ideal for getting to know one another, and there’s no time like an awkwardly intimate dinner out in the middle of nowhere to start breaking ground. Kara likes to talk, she’s very personable and could easily carry the whole weight of the conversation on her shoulders without so much as batting an eyelash, but she wants to know more about Lena. She figures that’s fair, seeing as how she’s probably resulted in Kara having to close way past when intended one too many times over the semester.

And, Kara’s kind of adorable, so she doesn’t really know how to say no.

“National City?” Kara prompts somewhere in the middle of her sandwich, as Lena absentmindedly stacks pieces of lettuce onto the tines of her fork. “I mean, it’s a lovely place, but you kind of expect people to be exotic with their post-graduation plans.”

Lena shrugs. “That’s too predictable, I like to stray from what’s expected.” Kara doesn’t quite catch onto the fact that she’s making a joke, and a big one at that, because she couldn’t have been farther from the truth: Lena Luthor is a creature of habit through and through and it’ll be engrained in her until she’s lowered into her grave. She waves her fork around in the air casually. “I’ve had the family business waiting on me since I declared my major freshman year. Now’s the time to step up to the plate, with my mom wanting to take leave and work on personal projects.”

“Then wouldn’t you say that’s expected of you?” Kara quips, and Lena’s eyebrow quirks in response.

 “I guess it does,” she replies, the smile creeping onto her face hard to ward off as she plays along. “Maybe I’ll just have you drop me off on the way at the airport. Italy sound unpredictable enough?”

“Very,” Kara agrees, a peal of laughter leaving her throat.

They wind into conversation, spotted at best but Lena loves hearing Kara talk; there’s a reason Kara is in mass comm, no doubt, and it’s for every reason Lena dodged it like the plague: she’s good with people. The twinkle in her eye gets a little brighter when she starts talking about all the things she loves, she trips up her words when she gets _really_ excited about them—she learns Kara played soccer in high school and is still a bit of a fitness junkie, which entirely explains the strength and accelerated metabolism, she hears all about how Kara fell in love with the Harry Potter series at age nine, she basks in Kara’s anecdotes of awkward moments where she struggles to get through her own laughter as she relives it all over again for Lena. And yet, even though she would be content hearing about Kara, just hearing Kara talk for the rest of the evening, Kara wants to know more about her for some reason.

Lena doesn’t think she’s all that intriguing, but Kara does and _insists_. So she talks about how Kara will dread her senior thesis in two years when she graduates because there’s simply no avoiding the obvious, she recounts when she discovered her allergy to tree nuts, hazelnut most particular—Kara nearly chokes at this revelation, _“You mean you risk your life every single time you stop by the shop, and that I could have killed you by accident and never known it?_ ”—she even talks about what she’s going to do the first few weeks at the corporation, despite her belief Kara won’t care, but she _does_. Kara’s is just as rapt with everything that comes from her lips as Lena feels she is whenever Kara opens her mouth, and it’s a strange feeling, it is.  

Their waiter offers them apple pie a la mode for dessert, apparently the only selection of the evening. Lena declines. Kara requests if she can just have the ‘a la mode’ part, and Lena tries not to chuckle.

“So, you’re going to see your sister?” Lena asks when Kara’s giant bowl of ice cream arrives, eager to reroute the conversation away from herself. Besides, Kara’s a rambler and the only thing Lena can think to rattle off about at the moment is all the things that are much, much more interesting than she is.

Her trademark grin etches into her face, and Lena can’t tell if it’s because ice cream is here or if she just loves her sister. God only knows Lena wishes she could express the same sentiment for her own siblings. Kara offers the extra spoon that got delivered despite Lena’s denial of needing one anyways, and she shakes her head. “Alex,” she starts as she digs in. “She’s experiencing a crisis at the moment; otherwise I wouldn’t be driving myself up from school, she would have come down to get me herself. I mostly attribute it to the fact she called me the other night needing an opinion on doughnuts and is therefore too incompetent and _way_ too lazy to operate a vehicle.”

“Sounds treacherous,” Lena hums. “Crisis?”

“She’s lovesick,” Kara states, and Lena does her best not to laugh at, well, everything about Kara's reaction. 

“I see. Is she your only sibling?”

“Kind of, I guess? I was adopted when I was twelve so if there are any other siblings running around, I wouldn’t know about them,” Kara explains, her spoon chasing another bite of ice cream as she talks, eyes cast on the bowl rather than Lena. “My dad—er, _adopted_ dad—was killed overseas on a tour when I was fourteen, so it’s just been me, Alex and Eliza ever since. They’re not blood, but they’re family.” She swallows, then adds, “Well, aside from Clark.”

“Clark?” she prompts, and Kara nods. At the sound of his name she seems to lighten up a little more, and judging by the reaction, Lena briefly entertains the idea that he’s a boyfriend.

“Yeah, Clark’s my cousin,” Kara answers, and out the window goes the boyfriend thought. “He’s a writer at the Daily Planet; he’s pretty much the whole reason I even wanted to go into communications to begin with, I think it’s so awesome that he gets to—“

“Wait, Clark _Kent_ is your cousin?” Lena backpedals, and Kara glances up from her ice cream long enough to make eye contact as she nods. To her, that’s no big deal, but Lena isn’t Kara.

“Yeah, why?”

Lena stiffens. She doesn’t know how to find the words without them coming out like knives, that’s the only way they’ve ever come falling from her mouth or anyone else’s, for that matter, and she’s not sure how she’s going to break this without spitting poison all in Kara’s vanilla ice cream.  “Lena…” Kara says, sensing something’s wrong, reaching across the table for Lena’s hand in an act of comfort, and like _she’s_ the one who’s about to get burned, she jerks her hand farther back towards her chest. Blue eyes just look at her, trying (and utterly failing) to conceal the rebuff’s aftermath, and dammit, dammit, **_dammit_** is the only thing hurtling in Lena’s mind.

She never could catch a break, and probably never would at this rate.

“Kent’s the reason my brother’s serving a life sentence.”

“Oh,” is all Kara can say.

* * *

They don’t talk much after leaving the diner; Lena finds one of Kara’s playlists that doesn’t have anything upbeat, to fit the mood of course, and opts for it, Kara turns on cruise control, and Lena leans her seat back as far as it will go without Kara’s hanging outfits getting in her face.

This would happen, no doubt, it’s how Lena’s luck seems to operate. Something good enters her life, inevitably gets fucked over because of her family and their doings. She remembers all of the feelings from Lex’s arrest, the lead weight pressing her shoulders and her parents turning on the frost towards her in order to deal with what her brother had done. Lena remembers feeling like she was living her life in a glass cage, an exhibit for other people to surround and observe and walk away feeling some remorse she was stuck in the predicament she was, but not really. God, she remembers how for Christmas she got a pair of designer sunglasses for when they’d go to court and the cameras would be in her face, but it was okay, because they were designer and that was meant to eradicate the pain of the situation just a little bit. She remembers having to take the semester off because she just couldn’t handle stepping foot from her apartment because her brother had screwed up royally and now it was her reputation thrown in the garbage, too. She _**feels**_ it even though it isn't her burden to carry and she doesn't know how to turn it off, so instead, it just evolves into the giant wrecking ball that comes crashing into her life right when she thinks it's gone.

She doesn’t know how Kara didn’t realize _it_ sooner, especially if she was Clark’s cousin. Lena had come to find since the incident that her business had been broadcast and made everyone else's business as well, whether they knew her or not, and her automatic assumption these days was that everyone knew the details. Kent's name hadn't been tied to it, of course: there's perks when you're the Daily Planet darling, but Lena knew and according to the science of her warped logic, that meant it might as well have been plastered on a billboard downtown. But Lena’s not a fool, and writing Kara off like that is a mistake. She’s no fool either, Kara’s smart. Especially if it comes to her family, her 'reason'?

Kara had to have known.

Or maybe she just didn’t, and that’s why she’s biting the ever living fuck out of her lower lip, already picked it to the point of bleeding at least twice. Lena’s trying not to count, but there’s nothing else to do.

She wants to say something, anything, break the silence like glass, but she’s almost afraid of what the shards will bury themselves into when she does. She's not good with people, conversations, friends, even; Kara's the first thing she's had to what feels like a friend in god only knows how long and she's positive she's gone and fucked that up now dragging her cousin into it, and Lena wants to fix it desperately, but she can't. She doesn't know how. Instead, she stays quiet, staring out the windshield and letting Kara’s playlists wash over her like cold water. Eventually, Lena just grows numb, and nods off, not even bothering to acknowledge when Kara accidentally knocks her clothes into her face when she reaches for a bag of chips.

Lena wakes up at the lack of music in the car, only to put two and two together and figure out that Kara’s turned it off out of courtesy for Lena's sleeping, since she’s got one earphone in and the other dangling down her neck so she can hear around her if need be. She contemplates saying something now, but won't bother at this point. The headlights bounce off the National City sign as they pass it, and Lena knows she ought to feel a little bit of relief knowing the ride’s almost over, but she doesn’t. Not even a little bit.

* * *

Kara drops her off at the hotel somewhere after midnight, and Lena doesn’t even let Kara bid her so much as a goodbye before she utters her thanks and scurries inside.

 


	2. six and a half inches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took absolutely forever, you can thank all of my exams for that one. the goal is to try and update daily until i wrap this bad boy up, we'll see how well that works out. in the meantime, round two commences now, and it's gonna be interesting, to say the least.
> 
> alternate title: when lena met kara.

Lena’s standing outside the building at the coffee cart when she bumps into Kara again.

It’s been a long week already, trying to push through with all the developments that have landed on her desk somehow—and she’s not sure why because half of them haven’t the slightest ounce of logic to their names—and the holidays circling closer and closer down the drain to where she is means the inevitable headache that is her mother, the least she can do is treat herself to the coffee cart and not have it run through her assistant. She’s convinced she needs the fresh air before her brain explodes inside of her skull.

There’s a line, which doesn’t come as any sort of surprise to Lena, it’s the whole reason she has Jess go and fetch it for her regularly, but she pulls out her phone and starts sifting through emails to occupy her time while she waits. That is of course, until she hears a voice she’s not heard in over two years and she swears she’s actually going through hallucination-inducing caffeine withdrawals.

“No, Winn, I’m still in line at this coffee cart— _yes_ , the line is that long! Next time you’re running this errand if you want to complain about it so much.”

Her head shoots straight up in the air, concentration on already boring emails lost as realization clicks in her head and turns every light in the house on. It feels like someone’s stuck a needle full of ice water and sent it shooting through her bloodstream, because there’s no way that’s _not_ Kara Danvers standing behind her and she’s got no idea how to even begin to process that reality in her mind. Lena’s split second decision is not to.

She steps up and gives her order, it coming out in one rush of air since she’s apparently been holding her breath all this time knowing that’s going to give it away and Lena’s barely had time to hand over her credit card before the voice from behind addresses her directly.

“Oh my god, Lena?” She turns around and sure enough, there’s Kara, blonde hair falling down her shoulders and a different pair of glasses perched on the bridge of her nose as she clutches to her wallet like a lifeline and a smile bright enough to light the city for days on her face at the sight of her.

“Kara,” Lena replies as warmly as she can muster; surprise isn’t necessarily an emotion Lena’s known for wearing with grace, and Kara being here has neatly floored her. “I didn’t expect to see you here, it’s a nice surprise.”

“Likewise! It’s…it’s _so_ good to see you again,” Kara says, and Lena can tell by the way she’s looking at her that she means it. And then Lena feels bad. Really, really bad.

Lena turns to look at the guy behind the counter, an eyebrow lifted. “Whatever she’s ordering is on me,” she informs him, and immediately Kara rushes to stop her. _Like nothing’s changed at all._

“No, _no_ , Lena, you really do not have to do that,” Kara scrambles to interject. “Seriously, I’ve got…I’ve got quite the order.”

Lena waves her hand in dismissal. “Nonsense. It’s the least I can do,” she says, smile pulling on the edge of her lips as she grabs her drink and steps off to the side. “It’s on me.”

It’s awkward, because Lena’s not sure how else to react. She hadn’t expected to run into Kara, and now she’s got a solid two something years of guilt piling down onto her shoulders before noon and it’s all she feels like she can do. Buying her coffee order seems to be an appropriate way of apologizing for not showing any signs of life up until now, especially when it’s paying back a nearly ten hour drive that certainly went unpaid first time around.  

Lines of communication certainly hadn’t stayed open after their little road trip up to National City back at graduation had gone south; Lena still kept her number in her phone and even contemplated sending Kara a text time and again, but she’d never found the gall to press send. There wasn’t much to say. Lena couldn’t spin a conversation out of thin air the way Kara could, and if Kara hadn’t sent off some ramble in all the empty time that had passed, there clearly wasn’t anything left there.

But now, she’s standing face to face with Kara Danvers, flustered and bumbling and balancing way too many cups of coffee in her hands for any good to come from it.

“I didn’t know you were in National City,” Lena mentions, desperate to make some conversation now that she’s derailed Kara over to where she’s stood, waiting because she felt like it was the right thing to do.

Kara nods, struggling to balance the drink tray to push her glasses up a little higher on her nose. “Yeah, I moved in after graduation—CatCo Worldwide was hiring and my cousin put in a few good words for me over there?” Lena notices the way Kara’s cheeks go a little darker when she brings up Clark; that had, after all, been the nail in the coffin last time.

Lena decides this time, it’s not going to bother her visibly even if it ruffles her feathers internally.

Her lips spread into a thin smile, nodding. “That’s wonderful, are you still doing something for…mass comm, wasn’t it?” she guesses, and Kara nods, her eyes brightening when she sees Lena’s remembered.

“I’m an intern now, which doesn’t take any kind of agree since it’s mostly this kind of stuff,” Kara admits, holding up the tray as best she can for emphasis. “And speaking of which, I really hate to just run off on you, but—“

Lena smiles, shaking her head. “No worries, I understand.” She doesn’t have much time to get anything else out before Kara gives her a sheepish, apologetic of sorts smile and is on her way.

“Thanks for the coffee!” Kara calls out over her shoulder as she hurries back down the way she most likely came, and Lena watches her this time when she goes.

* * *

 

Bumping into Kara isn’t exactly a pastime she’s been meaning to pick up, but it happens again anyways and Lena’s starting to wonder what the universe has up its sleeve.

This time, however, it’s not some sort of accident, by chance ordeal, it’s when she’s getting ready to head out on her lunch break and sees Kara coming in the front doors of L-Corp with a messenger bag flung over her shoulder, notepad in hand, and looks as though she’s run from CatCo on foot judging by her flushed face. She catches sight of Lena and the megawatt smile returns like it always does, waving at her as she gets cleared through security and steps into the lobby.

“Danvers, nice to see you again,” Lena says, stopping only for a moment to say hello. The only reason she’s even taking a lunch break is because Jess has quite literally evicted her from her desk chair and forced her out of the building for at least half an hour, and Lena’s planning on staying gone for exactly half an hour, no more no less.

“Lena, hi!

“Here on official business?” she asks, glancing at the notepad in Kara’s hand. Kara seems to realize what it is she’s holding in her hands once Lena mentions it, and shrugs.

“Oh, not really,” Kara explains. “Cat wanted someone to come by and take a look around; I’m trying to get on her good side so I figured I’d offer my services. Apparently you’ve got some interesting stuff going on around here.”

Lena’s eyebrows lift in question, even though she knows what’s going on around here and none of it’s interesting in the slightest. Unless one would consider scrapping just about every proposition that lands on her desk interesting. “Hopefully you find what you’re looking for then.” She glances back down at her watch, and Kara takes notice of the gesture—it’s like she’s watching her every move like a hawk to make sure she doesn’t step anywhere out of line. Like she’s consciously worried about every little thing she says or does because that was how things went so terribly last time and she’s desperate to not make the same mistake twice.

“Am I holding you up?” she asks nervously. “I’m sorry, I’ll let you get back to wherever it was you were doing.”

“No, don’t worry about it,” Lena reassures, reaching out and gripping Kara’s wrist before she gets the chance to realize what she’s doing. “You’re fine. I’ll see you around, Kara.” She gives Kara one last smile, close-lipped and barely enough to display her dimples as she turns and heads towards the exit. She prays to god there’s no line at that food truck on Thirty-Seventh that she likes, even though it is lunch hour for the rest of National City.

“Oh, Lena?” Lena stops in her tracks, turning back around at the sound of Kara’s voice. Kara’s rummaging around in her bag for something, even though there’s no way it could be that hard to lose anything in something that shallow, and when she stops, she protrudes a tiny little bag that looks a lot like the ones.

“I uh, I stress bake sometimes and Cat’s really got me wall to wall, so I made some of those turnovers you um, you used to order all the time at Midvale. I didn’t know if I’d run into you or whatever but I brought it with me just in case, so um, here.” Lena’s too stunned that Kara even managed to remember something that minuscule about someone who might as well be a complete stranger that she forgets to say thank you when it falls in her hands.

She actually eats on her lunch break for once.

* * *

 

When she runs into Kara again, it marks the third time in roughly two and a half weeks and Lena’s positive that the universe is up to something.

Kara’s in the city for work, Lena has to remind herself, they’re bound to run into each other on occasion since National City isn’t exactly spanning out for thousands and thousands of miles. It was the crossing paths nearly every handful of days that she hadn’t anticipated, and while it certainly wasn’t something she minded per se, it brought up plenty of awkward memories she’d have rather done without in the forefront of her mind.

It reminds her of the last few hours of their road trip to National City and how her brother still managed to ruin just about everything in her life even if he was miles away from putting a finger on it and how she had practically suppressed all the memories from that trip in her mind until she had gone months without even so much as remembering it happening until she bumps into Kara at the coffee cart outside of her building. It reminds her of how she’s good at withholding memories and blacking them out in her mind until they’re so repressed she doesn’t even know where to start looking for them again—that is, until someone else with all the right ideas and wrong intentions knows just how to push the button and send it springing back into her thoughts.

They’d been friends, sure. But they were never close enough to actually stay that way.

Lena’s at some gala downtown, even though glorified party is a better term for whatever this is, and the only reason she’s here is because no publicity is bad publicity and there’s no way in hell anyone else in her family’s going to make a better impression representing L-Corp. Everyone loves the face of a twenty-something up and coming businesswoman trying to juggle her entire family’s business after they royally screwed themselves over and make a new image, and Lena’s practically got no say so standing in these ridiculous shoes Jess left out for her.

She likes heels, but anything over six inches is absurd; these happen to be six and a half. She measured.

She’s getting another glass of champagne (a lighter drink compared to what she’s been sipping on now that she’s starting to feel the buzz) when she spots a glimpse of curly blonde hair and a feeling that tastes similar to dread spreads in her mouth. Kara isn’t exactly the kind of company she’s looking to keep tonight; in truth, Lena likes to fly solo at all of these things because the less human interaction, the earlier she can slip away and head back to her office to get some actual work done that will be interruption-free.

But of course, the minute Lena peels herself off the minibar, Kara spots her. She doesn’t know if she ought to label this bad luck, karma, or just simply the universe meddling in places it ought to keep its hands out of.

Kara comes over, walking at a pace in heels that shouldn’t be possible for her seeing as how Lena’s seen her nearly trip over her own shoelaces back when she worked at the bakery. “Lena?” she asks, like she’s double-checking that it’s indeed Lena, someone she’s seen many a times over the past two weeks and not a stand in.

Lena’s lips curl, into what she hopes resembles a smile and not a grimace. “Kara, hello,” she says dryly, lips wrapping around the edge of her champagne glass as soon as the words come out.

Kara looks a lot differently all made up than she has in the past, with her floral sundresses and sweater-and-khaki combos, she’s wearing a black dress that does her figure wonders and Lena briefly entertains the thought that someone else has loaned Kara their wardrobe before she contemplates if there’s some other Kara hidden behind the layers of all the turnovers and babbling. It wouldn’t surprise her, people in her life typically did just that—surprise her.

“You look lovely,” Kara compliments when she’s within range, half-empty glass of champagne wrapped in her fist.

“The same goes for you,” Lena replies, doing another sweeping glance of her now that she’s up close. “Any reason you’re here in particular? Can’t imagine that Cat Grant’s dying for you to scope out all of National City’s business tycoons when she’d much rather do that herself.”

Kara shakes her head, blonde hair fanning out behind her shoulders. “No, just here for a friend tonight.”

Lena doesn’t bother prying for details; truth is, she doesn’t really care. Alcohol’s steadily coursing through her at this point and while Lena’s always liked to pride herself on, this has been the perfect excuse to drink her frustrations and headaches away and she’s certainly feeling the aftermath of it.

The music changes, and Lena vaguely recognizes the song from somewhere, maybe college—she hasn’t listened to most contemporary music since then anyways, she plays the same three scores on a loop and nothing else on a loop—but she pretends to know it anyways and starts to head for the mass of people that are moving around to the music. “Are you coming?” she asks Kara wryly, even though it’s a rhetorical question. She knows at this point, Kara will follow after her whether or not she asks.

Lena’s never been much of a dancer by any means; college parties usually consisted of her mixing drinks for people and watching games of beer pong, never really one to dance, but she’s decided that tonight she is. Kara moves along next to her, clearly following the lead, and Lena feels about as ridiculous as she looks but the alcohol in her hand is as good an excuse as any.

Her brain is sifting through the thoughts rather sluggishly and a bit too sharply when it bumps into all the corners thanks to the tequila some stockbroker bought her earlier. Lena likes Kara—well, at least she thinks she does. She’s a genuinely nice person, truly _good_ at the core of it all, and Lena admires that in her. It’s certainly something she’s tried to grasp, with all of Lex’s bullshit over the past three years and her family’s apt to stay cold rather than warm up any. Kara’s awkwardly adorable and talkative and a personified ray of sun. There’s no reason not to like her, when Lena thinks about it. But _this_ , whatever this is becoming, the always bumping into someone that you’ve barely talked to over the last four years other than ‘keep the change’ and that one flare up in conversation when you willingly agreed to drive eleven hours with them to save gas, and playing friends whenever you do see them.

It’s why Lena doesn’t have any friends in National City. Friendship isn’t a game she plays.

She finishes out the rest of the song when she decides to head back over to the mini bar and replace her champagne, maybe with something stronger, because if she’s got to stay here for another hour at the least she’s going to need something other than mindless conversation to get her through it. Lena can feel Kara on her heels as she walks off what’s been designated as the dance floor and this shouldn’t bother her, she should be glad someone actually gives a rat’s ass about her and isn’t being paid to do so, she shouldn’t mind it _shouldn’t mind it_ —

“Do you mind?” Lena snaps out of nowhere, whirling around. Kara’s eyes go wide, like she wasn’t expecting something like that to ever come out of Lena’s mouth, especially at her. “I don’t need a tail.”

Like a fish out of water, Kara’s just gaping at her, words probably flying through her brain and yet they’ve all gotten stuck in her throat, which is a first as far as Lena’s concerned. She sees the way that the shock spider-webs all over Kara’s face and feelings, which Lena knows she’s definitely struck, and no apologies build in her throat. She’s tipsy, her cares have dissipated, and frankly, she’s tired of Kara doing what feels a hell of a lot like trying to compensate for what happened two and a half years ago on that goddamned road trip. At least this time it’s Lena’s turn to open her mouth and ruin everything, although this isn’t much of an accident.  

“I’ll um, I’ll—“ Kara doesn’t finish her sentence before she scurries off again, desperate to put space between the two of them. Lena sighs as she leans up against a barstool, blindly grabbing for another glass of champagne and watches Kara as she vanishes into the crowd of people.

Lena knows she’ll probably regret chasing away the one and only half-friend she’s had in National City in a long, long time the minute she sobers up, but at least it saves her the heartache later on down the line.


	3. to set the nervous system ablaze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends! thank you all so incredibly much for the love you've shown this story, especially while i've been without internet, it warms my heart and i appreciate all of you so terribly much. expect some multiple updates here and there to make up for the fact time warner cable screwed over my update schedule. also, a quick disclaimer about this chapter in particular: i tried to keep lex and his wrongdoings a very vague matter in this story mainly because it doesn't follow any sort of dc canon that i'm aware of, it's not what this story's about, and it's not my interest to focus on what he's done, but more so the aftermath of it and what it's done to the people in his life. that's all i shall say on that. thanks for reading this boring little thing. i adore you. get ready for feels.
> 
> alternate title: when lena met kara.

A year and a half passes and if Lena had lived underneath a rock, she would have assumed Kara Danvers had fallen off the face of the planet.

However, she doesn’t, and there are plenty of magazine stands in America (her assistant might as well have one set up behind her desk judging by the amount of tabloid trash Lena’s caught her sifting through on her breaks) that she has to pass by on her way to work, or when she’s in the grocery store waiting in line to pay for a new box of cereal and a replacement half-gallon of milk. Kara Danvers is no longer an intern at CatCo Worldwide Media like she was back when Lena actually saw her and spoke to her, she’s gone and made something wonderful of herself and been promoted to reporter. It’s a miracle she’s survived this long under Snapper Carr, Lena sometimes thinks whenever she sees a new pulled article go up online with Kara’s name attached to it. She never seemed like the type to hold up well when it comes to miserably nasty people and their incessant lashing out, but people were surprising, after all.

Funny, how the minute Lena drunkenly told her off Kara seemed to disappear entirely. There was no more of the accidentally spotting one another here and there, it was as though one of them had up and moved to an entirely different city on the other end of the country. At first, Lena minded, because she wanted to apologize for her behavior (really, she knows better than to ever get too close to a bottle of tequila if at all possible) but like most things, it got buried under the piles of paperwork and eventually faded into oblivion. Here and there she’d have a little pang of a reminder, but it was never enough to act on.

She doesn’t think too much about Kara in that year and a half.

That is, up until the doors to her office open while she’s in the middle of answering emails one day and in walks not only Kara, but Clark Kent as well right on her heels.

“Miss Danvers,” Lena says, her eyes glued to Kara mostly from shock, because she’s having trouble believing what it is she’s staring at right now. There’s Clark, of course, and most would assume that’s where her focus would have snapped right to, but she’s completely stunned that Kara’s here she has no time with acknowledging his presence in a way he’s anticipating. Lena opts with keeping things professional progressing forwards; judging by how maintaining any kind of personal relationship with Kara has gone in the past, it’s her best bet. “Mr. Kent, what can I do for you?”

“We’re here to get a statement from you on behalf of your family,” Kara states bluntly, and _damn_ , is it evident that she’d rather be anywhere else than here. Lena’s never seen Kara like this; frosty and blatantly passive aggressive.

“On behalf of my family?” Lena prompts, not quite sure where this is headed.

Clark, who unlike Kara, seems more embarrassed than scandalized about being here, speaks up. “About your brother’s request for a parole hearing.”

Ah, yes. _That_ had had happened recently, and it had certainly not been the most pleasant phone call to receive from her mother. Normally any form of interaction with her mother is to be dreaded, because it's typically always about Lex and nothing else, and this of course had only proven her theory correct once again.

Lex is certifiably insane, and that's all Lena knows for certain about her brother anymore. He’d always been a quiet, kept-to kid and like Lena, tended to hole up in his bedroom unless dinner was on the table. Brilliant, he was, and Lena had always seen that in him. Admired him for it, even, up until he’d gone off to college and then dropped out after three semesters to found Lex Corp, his supposed ‘vision’. Lena's never really known her brother on any sort of deep, emotional level, but she knew that whoever was walking around with the charisma and these grandeur, borderline irrational propositions and platforms that he preached to the public wasn’t really her brother. Not really.

And Lex on the other hand now thought he was a god, that he was _God_ -with-a-capital-‘G’, that he was doing the world a favor with what he was doing. He thought he was doing the world a favor when he plotted to kill those people, when Clark Kent tried to step in and help him out only for it to completely unravel Lex at the seams, he thought he was playing a game within the confines of his bedroom like he was still in middle school and that these were not real people’s lives. He hardly saw the harm in what he’d done, only laughed the whole way to jail with a haunting smile on his face. Lena remembers accidentally stumbling across the footage on YouTube and how it gave her nightmares for months.

And _now_ he's insisting a parole hearing, despite his sentence lasting for another twenty-something years on charges that pile up to the ceiling.

Lillian thought it was fine, even if it’s the farthest thing from such. Lena had tried to ride out the phone call without angrily hanging up  or letting any show of emotion translate through her end; she’d tried so _fucking_ hard to keep her mouth closed and to listen, not speak, like she’d practically been groomed to do since entering the Luthor family, but it hadn’t worked. Instead, she distinctly remembers telling her mother quite a few choice words in relation to how she felt about it, and Lillian snapped back that Lena would keep her mouth shut if she didn’t have anything supportive to say in terms of the matter, because the company hadn’t just fallen into her hands because she’d worked so terribly hard to prove herself.

She’d hung up the phone pretty quickly after that.

And now, here she is, already warding off the reporters. The entrances around L-Corp have been media madhouses all week, Lena having to call security god only knows how many times and the occasional stray reporter who didn’t get turned away at the door slipping into her office for a question or two or trying to jump her when she heads for the back alley garage where she’s had her getaway cars waiting have been sawing away at what little patience she’s got left. She thought this was done and finished when they locked up Lex. She thought it was behind her. But, as usual, she’s always got another thing coming for her when she dares entertain the thought of being out of the woods with anything remotely damning to her rep and sanity.

Lena clears her throat uncomfortably. “I’m afraid if you aren’t here for anything pertaining L-Corp, I can’t answer your questions.”

“That’s entirely understandable, Miss Luthor—“

“—you want nothing to do with it, right?” Kara says at the same time Clark promptly shoves his head back into the sand. Lena doesn’t know where in the hell this kind of outburst has come from, and while there’s a part of her wondering where this kind of spine has come from, the reigning-dominant part of Lena’s current emotions isn’t interested in peeling back the layers. It wants them gone.

“If you want to know how my family feels, go to the damn hearing yourself, see who shows up,” she snaps, slamming the closest thing to her hand (in this case, a paperweight) down onto the desk partially for emphasis, partially out of her bottled frustrations. “I, however, have nothing more to say to either of you. You can go now.”

Clark’s tugging Kara along, pulling at the edge of her sweater sleeve, as Kara stands completely still. Eyes locked onto Lena, reading, trying to get a better glimpse at something.

Like she’s trying to get a glimpse at someone she at least recognizes.

_Yeah, well_ , Lena thinks bitterly to herself as she turns around in her chair to face the balcony, only knowing when they make their departure when she hears the doors close. _We all want to see what we’re never going to_.

* * *

 

She doesn’t go to the hearing.

She has no desire to. She has nothing waiting there for her other than a brother who she’s sure has lost his mind, a mother who’d rather wave her pom-poms in the direction of the twisted jailbird son than the successful, doing-something-with-her-life _adopted_ daughter, and a slew of media outlets just waiting to catch a glimpse of her. She knows what a lost cause all of it is, and dwelling in any realm of it is only going to drag her back down a rabbit hole she’s not looking to revisit ever again.

Her mother sends her updates, even though she doesn’t want them and deletes them as soon as her traitorous instincts send her eyes flickering over the words. They end up burned into the back of her skull, and she does what she knows how to do, which is break into the alcohol she keeps neatly tucked away in her office mini-fridge for occasions like these.

And then she starts dialing numbers.

Lena doesn’t have friends in National City, she has business partners and acquaintances and people who work for her and people she remembers from another life she remembers as _college_ and people who want something from her and people who would like to see her head on a stick. Friendships don’t exist in her world, they’re not a game she plays because she’s got no idea how the hell to stay in the thing. She doesn’t struggle with loneliness because it’s what she knows, but god, friendships might as well be the equivalent to scaling a mountain barefoot. She’s only ever thought maybe, just maybe, there’s someone in her corner she could call friend, and she chased them off a year and a half ago.

Lena calls Kara anyways.

She’s persistent and determined to get her to answer, the way she vaguely remembers Kara being, and calls until Kara picks up in a huff of irritancy. “You’ve got the wrong number,” she says coolly into the phone, and Lena can practically see her thumb inching for the end call button.

“I know who I’m calling,” she replies. “You said you wanted a statement on behalf of my family? Come get it. I’m still in my office. I’m sure you remember the way.”

The thought of betrayal towards a family that didn’t mind leaving her in the dust is delicious, sure, but really, she’s using this as free therapy. She wants to get this off her chest and whether or not Kara types it up into an article under a thousand words or not is entirely inessential to her. Kara was the closest thing she’s had to a friend in what feels like her whole life, and if it means she’s taking notes while Lena vents until she’s blue in the face, it won’t matter because _someone_ will be listening.

There’s silence on the other end for a moment, and then a rustling noise in the background. “I’ll be there in twenty,” Kara mutters and then hangs up the phone.

Lena’s poured herself another glass about the time Kara comes in, Jess peeking in behind her with a thousand different shades of worry coloring in her eyes as she glances at Lena. She must have caught Kara off the clock because she’s wearing a pair of leggings, a far cry from what Lena’s used to seeing her in. “Danvers,” she greets, gesturing for her to take a seat. “Thanks for coming.”

Kara sits down, pulling out a tiny little notebook that’s gold and covered in sparkles— _really_ , she shouldn’t have expected any less—with her pen poised above the next blank page. “You said you had a statement?”

Lena can’t fight the smile curving onto her lips as her eyes flit back over Kara’s face. “You make a good reporter,” she notes.

“Your statement?” Kara repeats, her back straight and posture too rigid to be comfortable in any world.

“What’s Cat Grant got picked up from the hearing today thus far?” Lena asks, picking up her glass and taking a sip. She feels vaguely like a cat might while it plays with the mouse before striking. “I only ask because I’d _hate_ to give you something you’ve already got.”

Kara pushes her glasses up a little farther on the bridge of her nose as she looks back up at Lena, and Lena briefly wonders what Kara would look like without the glasses. “Um, I’m not entirely sure, I don’t think your mother talked much to the press other than saying you all were supporting your brother regardless of the outcome.”

“It’s utter bullshit is what it is,” Lena interjects dryly. Kara’s wrist doesn’t move even though the pen’s pressed down onto the page and it’s a little amusing, seeing her debate over whether she ought to write that down or not for her spiel. She shrugs. “You wanted a statement.”

“I, um, I don’t think Ms. Grant would want something like this,” she starts slowly. “What is it that you find…uh, well—“

“Bullshit?” Lena finishes for her, because it’s clear Kara’s struggling a bit to repeat it and maintain her air of professionalism, since she’s having to compensate for wearing _leggings_ and clearly the most worn in pair at that to an interview, judging by the way she keeps fiddling with a small hole in the ankle. “All of it. Lex, what he did and why he did it, my mother acting like someone’s made a martyr of her son, the media turning this into a field day for no reason. It’s not news. Everyone claimed he was crazy when he landed himself behind bars, crazy people make crazy moves, right?”

“I suppose…”

Lena sighs. “He wants out. He doesn’t think he did any wrong. My mom’s completely behind it. She thinks everyone wronged him. No offense, but she kind of wants to see your cousin’s head served to her on a silver platter.” Kara clears her throat uncomfortably at this. “She wants us all to put on the lovely family façade even though that’s clearly been tarnished. It was tarnished a long time ago, I’m not sure who she’s trying to fool with this.”

Kara’s hand starts moving, and Lena keeps going. “It’s not enough to my mother that he tried to kill people, she seems to buy all the conviction he’s got towards why he ought to be let out and not bat a damn eyelash. It’s not enough to her that she’s got a daughter who’s not been corrupted, that she’s got another child. She cares about the one that’s been wronged by the world and rightfully so.” Kara’s hand pauses in movement the darker and darker Lena knows this turns.

“What, um, what about your brother getting out?” Kara asks, her voice oddly higher than usual. Lena finishes the last of her drink before she answers.

“Here’s a statement: I don’t care what happens to my brother. I don’t care if he gets out, I don’t care if he gets offed while he does his time. I’ve never felt like a part of that family anyways, they gave me their last name and the reputation and that’s about all, so I really can’t say I care about anything that they get themselves into.”

“Lena,” Kara says, and it sounds like a warning, like she knows where Lena’s about to spiral and she can’t write any of this down, but Lena _wants_ for her to.

“They don’t bother defending my honor when someone slanders all of my work building this company back from the ground up, but they mind when someone calls my brother out for what he is. It’s not a _lie_ , you’re not selling a false statement,” Lena says. “You can write it down.”

“I can’t—“

“Yes, you can! I’ve clearly not done a damn thing wrong, bent over backwards to prove it and yet I still get tagged with his reputation while he comes off scot-free? Does that not go against what you do, aren’t reporters always searching for the truth in the midst of lies? The media might be wrong about me so I’m not going to let them be mistaken when it comes to the rest of my family; my brother’s a monster, and my mother’s even more of one for thinking otherwise and throwing her daughter down the drain while she’s at it.”

“Lena, stop—“

“I’m sorry, Miss Danvers, is this not what you were expecting? Were you expecting something a little more glossed over, a little more professional? I’m sorry that this is all too real for you, I thought you knew what you’d signed up for when you came over to collect my _statement_.”

“Can we not do this here?” Kara pleads quietly, her voice soft. One of Lena’s eyebrows quirks.

“Where else would you suggest?”

Kara chooses her answer carefully, one of her shoulders inching up in a small shrug. “I have ice cream at my apartment.”

* * *

It’s pouring down rain when they get to Kara’s apartment.

Lena had insisted she call a cab for herself and follow after Kara, but Kara had all but dragged her into the passenger seat of her Volkswagen. She doesn’t know what it means; it could mean Kara’s plotting to kill her and bury her in the gardens of the apartment complex or it could mean something a little less sinister, but she follows anyways without a word of protest, it’s raining and she turns into something like a drowned cat when she gets swept up in the elements. The whole ride there she’s got a vicious burning in her throat, and it’s because once again Kara is proving to be nothing but good at the core even when she’s got every reason to despise Lena and has been doing a stellar job at making her believe it up until now. And Lena’s the whole reason she even had to start in the first place.

Kara’s apartment is very much a visual representation of what Lena likes to think is the inside of Kara’s mind. It’s warm, both literally and figuratively, pictures lining every available inch of shelf space and a small vase of plastic daisies sitting on her kitchen table. All of the lights are off save for a lamp and the television, which has been muted for what Lena guesses was her phone call earlier.

“I—I’m sorry,” she says quietly once she spots the box of pizza sitting on Kara’s coffee table, the lid half-raised. “I didn’t realize I was tearing you away from something.”

“It’s okay,” Kara replies. “I was watching recorded TV anyways.” She pauses for a second, then her shoulders roll back in a shrug. “Besides, I think you needed me a little more than the housewives did.”

“I’m sorry about that too,” Lena confesses. “I…I don’t know what got into me. My mother’s been keeping me updated all day with what’s going on even though she knows I want nothing to do with any of it, and you can only bottle up so much before—well, before you become something that resembles my brother.”

Kara walks over to her fridge, reaching into the freezer for the ice cream she’d mentioned back at the office. “Is that what happened to him?” she asks. “Did he bottle everything up and then just explode when someone touched him?”

Lena shakes her head, sliding into a seat at the table. “He was more like champagne; no one shook him up and then tried to rip the cork out looking for a reaction. He had all the pressure built into him from the start.”

“You’re not allergic to chocolate fudge brownie, are you?” Kara asks, holding up a carton of Ben and Jerry’s, and Lena shakes her head.

She takes off her jacket and lets it hang off the back of the chair as Kara approaches with two spoons and the carton in hand. Taking the seat opposite her, she holds out a spoon as an offering. “Sorry I’ve been kind of a bitch to you lately. I know that’s probably not helped any.”

“Don’t apologize,” Lena responds almost instantly, to the point where it’s almost desperate. “I was the one who made you feel like shit when you were only trying to be my friend. Which I don’t have too many of to begin with, so really, I was only out to hurt myself.” She takes the spoon from Kara, watching her face while Kara rips open the tub of ice cream.

“Do you still consider me a friend?” Kara glances back up at Lena, blue eyes completely still as they lock onto her own. Like even though the answer has to be staring her in the face, she’s still nervous that it’s going to be a no.

“Do you?” Lena asks.

Kara nods firmly, and Lena’s only response is shoving her spoon straight down into nothing but chocolate ice cream.

They talk about anything and everything, from Kara’s somewhat relationship drama as she tries to aide her sister by being (and utterly failing at) her wing-woman, to how Lena’s all but ready to fire a couple of the guys on the third floor who can’t tell up from down anymore, from how Kara’s liking her job to Lena’s latest They talk until they’ve finished off the entire pint of ice cream, to which Kara looks at sheepishly and apologizes for being a human vacuum before going to fetch alcohol. They migrate over to the couch and Kara offers Lena something a little more comfortable than her dress pants and blouse but Lena shakes her head and instead takes the blanket that Kara extends to make herself feel a little more at home. Conversation rises again and it’s fun, it’s like walking on air and Lena can’t remember why in the hell she ever decided to blow Kara off or why she never liked friendships because if _this_ is what a friendship is, she’s missed out her whole life and spent it wallowing in lonesome misery. God, if this is friendship, Lena only ever wants to be friends with Kara because there’s no one else who would ever be able to match this feeling of sheer joy.

“Can I ask you something?” Kara asks later on into the night, when the TV falls out of the recording menu and back to the local news channel that’s playing the eleven o’clock news and Lena’s trying not to keep her eye stuck on it in search for anything involving her family.

“Sure,” Lena replies, lips spreading into a thin smile.

“You ever think that two girls sometimes have trouble being just friends?” Lena stares at her for a minute, like she’s lost her mind and maybe Kara’s had one too many drinks or just has a very low tolerance, before Kara holds up a hand and backtracks. “I mean, my sister’s gay and so I just wonder sometimes if it’s hard being friends with all of these girls she’s meeting at these gay bars she makes me come with her to that she’s got a lot of sexual tension with.”

“I think anybody can be just friends,” Lena points out. “Happens all the time; there doesn’t always have to be sexual tension there even if you both swing for the same team. Just friends is possible.”

“What about us?” Kara prompts, like she’s taking this somewhere and Lena’s now almost positive her words are starting to slur together. “Do you think we can be just friends?”

“As opposed to what, the alternative?”

“Well yeah,” Kara says, like it’s an obvious answer.

Lena’s eyebrows furrow together as she laughs. “You think we have sexual tension?”

“My sister claims I wouldn’t know what sexual tension was if it came up and kicked me in the teeth, so I don’t know, we might.”

Somewhere in Lena’s chest, her heart is throbbing because she wasn’t expecting anything like this to come out of her bitching over her family and god, Kara’s buzzed that she’s saying whatever comes to her mind and isn’t entirely aware of what it is she’s saying and maybe Kara’s got a point. Lena’s never been popular with people and where there’s no room for friendship, there’s been even less room for intimate relationships so she wouldn’t know what it was if it came up and slapped her either.

“There’s only one way to find out,” Kara continues, as she sets her glass down on the coffee table. “Kiss me.”

Lena practically chokes on the very air she’s breathing. “Sorry?”

Kara slides a little bit closer to her on the couch, stupid grin on her face. “Yeah, kiss me! See if we feel anything, the sexual tension or whatever it is.”

“Kara, I don’t—“

“Come on, what are you so scared of? You said it yourself, just friends is totally possible. Don’t the French kiss strangers and not feel anything?”

_What the hell_ , Lena reckons. Even if this winds up disastrous, Kara’s pretty drunk and she thoroughly doubts she’ll remember it anyways. Besides, this has been going good so far and if Kara wants it at this point, Lena’s willing to give it to her because she owes her that much at the least.

Lena closes the gap between them, her hand finding Kara’s face and gently, carefully presses her lips against Kara’s. It’s meant to be sweet and chaste by the action, meaning nothing at all but _god_ if Lena can’t feel every single nerve in her body get struck by lightning and completely short out at the mere touch. She’s never known what it is she’s wanted, never known a preference because the rest of the world has always shadowed a personal life but it couldn’t be more crystal clear, even if everything around her is still a little hazy from the alcohol.

She prefers _Kara_.

They pull away as soon as they’ve come together and look at each other for a moment, and Lena can feel the earth shift its balance just a little. Kara blinks a few times before erupting into a smile.

“Yeah, we’re definitely better off as friends,” she laughs, and it’s then that Lena feels her heart hit the floor with a sound crash. She still pastes the smile on anyways.

“Definitely.”


	4. so i take what i can get

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back friends! thank you for the love, your comments make me smile like a fool and i really don't think you guys know how much it means to me to know you're enjoying being on this little journey with me. i hope angst is okay because that's about to be all you're in for here for the next little bit. it should be interesting. a quick note, this chapter is titled after one of my latest, greatest favorite songs and is powering me through this story, ten out of ten recommend looking it up and listening to while you read. and, as always, i love you like crazy.
> 
> alternate title: when lena met kara.

Kara introduces Lena to Alex after a few weeks of their friendship being solid ground.

They all meet in a bar, with its gritty, underground vibe and Lena knows this is not a place she belongs at all even with Kara’s forewarning that it’s a blue jeans affair and that. She knows she’s a bit too put together for somewhere like this, too rigid, not relaxed enough, and it should be enough to send her right back out the door, but she spots blonde hair all the way across the room even in this shitty lighting and can’t move fast enough.

Kara lights up like a Christmas tree when she spots Lena, pushing past the brunette standing next to her who’s got one hand on her hips and the other on a beer and watching Lena like a damn hawk. “Lena!” Kara exclaims delightedly. “I’m so glad you could come.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Lena says, and she means it. “Besides, I needed to get away from the office. I think I’m beginning to lose touch with what fresh air is.”

Kara doesn’t remember the kiss, and if she does then she shows no signs that it ever even happened, which leaves Lena at quite the crossroads. On one hand, she’d love to bring it up in casual conversation, just to see how Kara reacts to it and then go from there, but she’s also content with what they’ve got now because for the first time in what feels like ever Lena has someone who is on her side because they genuinely want to be there and there’s no reason to ruin it bringing up some half-drunken moment that was designed for fading from the memory. Lena does her best not to dwell on the thought or damn her tolerance levels. She succeeds for the most part, but then Kara does something like invite her over for movie night and insist on personal space remaining a myth and it burns in Lena’s veins, the reminder that she wants something she knows she’s never going to get. It burns like hellfire.

Yet she smiles, and she doesn’t dart off in the other direction but stays, she walks back over to Kara’s table where the brunette giving her a look that could it be tangible enough to reach out and touch her would probably carve her like a Christmas ham is waiting while Kara makes the introduction excitedly.

“Alex, this is Lena,” Kara gestures towards the brunette, who straightens up a little and her lips form into a reedy smile. “Lena, this is Alex, and—wait, where did Maggie go?”

Alex doesn’t take her eyes off Lena as she throws a thumb over her shoulder. “Round two,” she says, all the explanation she’s giving.

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Lena says to Alex. “I’ve heard quite a lot about you from Kara.” This much is true, although she probably _too_ much by Alex’s standards since Lena’s heard pretty much all the trials and tribulations of Alex’s love life through Kara and it now feels like an invasion of privacy since she’s meeting the face behind the name. If there’s one thing she’s certain about from all she’s heard, Alex is the star in Kara’s eye and no one could ever take that away from her. Alex is Kara’s protector and Kara does her damn hardest to protect her sister right back; Lena’s seen Kara get a little misty-eyed and hear her voice start trembling when she talks about her and how she feels she has taken so much from her sister, how she wants her sister to have nothing short of the entire world fall into her hands. Lena sometimes wonders what it would be like to have her family speak that highly and adoringly of her, she wonders what it would be like to have _anyone_ speak of her in that way.

“Right back at you,” Alex responds, her voice still level and her eyes still glued to Lena. _Right, the big sister’s probably heard all about me._ All _about me._ Lena still forces a smile onto her lips, finding herself gravitating closer and closer to Kara for a means of protection.

Kara smiles at the two of them, and she’s about to say something else when another woman approaches, both hands full. “Maggie!” she cheers, greeting her excitedly and Lena feels a little bit of the high she felt when Kara saw her fade away. Of _course_ Kara goes megawatt anytime someone she knows enters her peripheral vision. It shouldn’t surprise her in the least.

Maggie saunters up, claiming the spot next to Alex and it begins to click in Lena’s head, that _this_ is Alex’s girlfriend, the woman Kara had gone on and on about for an entire pint of ice cream’s worth, muttering about how Alex had come out for her and how Kara wanted to like the girl so badly but she had her apprehensions, knowing Alex had gotten burned once before and hated seeing her sister in pain. “Maggie, this is Lena,” Kara introduces, and Maggie immediately seems to take to Lena a lot easier than Alex has, the edges of her eyes crinkling as she smiles at her.

“Hope you don’t mind Guinness,” Maggie says, extending one of the bottles to Lena. Lena smiles in gratitude.

“Don’t mind at all.”

It’s very clear to Lena that Kara is the glue in this conversation, because without her there’d be no other reason for Lena, Alex, and the girlfriend to all be standing around sharing a few drinks with one another. Lena isn’t quite sure how she feels about their company; it’s Kara she’s used to and it’s Kara she’s here for, and while Maggie seems to be a lot more amiable than Kara initially described her, Alex is still watching her closely, carefully, as if she’s waiting for Lena to fuck it up. _Again_. They stand around and make conversation, and while it’s nothing like talking to Kara alone, it’s okay.

It makes her feel like she’s not a total failure at having a social life, that she never was outcast because of her own inability to interact.

Maggie finally challenges Alex to a game of pool, to which Alex responds that it’s not much of a challenge when she already knows how it’s going to turn out. Lena and Kara stand off to the side and watch the two of them play, or rather, Alex hand Maggie her ass, and they trade commentary during the game, Lena losing the next round of drinks when she mistakenly says Maggie’s got even half a chance at getting a few points on Alex. Occasionally, Lena will spot Alex looking up from the game—because really, beating Maggie is almost muscle memory at this point—and watching her closely, like she’s trying to figure out the best way to pick her skin off her bones or something of the sort. Alex Danvers is trying to read her, and the only reason Lena knows this is because she’s done the same thing before, except with Kara.

And of course, Kara is nothing less than all smiles and warmth and invitational, talking Lena’s head off. Lena doesn’t mind, if anything, she’s now welcomed it with open arms: Kara talks, Lena listens and sometimes interjects an opinion here or there to keep Kara going. She can’t help but to think of how glad she is to have Kara in her corner, how grateful she is Kara wants her in hers, but her eyes keep wandering down to Kara’s lips and it’s getting harder and harder to look away the more it happens.

When Maggie loses, as expected, Lena heads off to the bar to buy the next round alone while Kara relentlessly taunts Maggie, with a bit too much glee in her voice. Lena’s trying to stop thinking about the kiss, which has now wormed its way into the forefront of her brain and is dancing around, torturing her with the thought of what it’d be like to kiss her again when she realizes she isn’t alone at the bar.

Alex Danvers is sidled up next to her, staring.

“Sorry,” Lena stammers out when she accidentally hits Alex right in the neck as she turns around. Alex raises an eyebrow, and Lena holds out a beer as a sign that she comes in peace. “I didn’t see you there.” Alex seems to buy this, or at least, she pretends to so she can take the drink offered out to her.

“I see the way you look at her, Luthor,” Alex points out almost right away, and Lena can’t tell if that’s just an observation or if it’s some sort of underlying threat, like if Lena pulls any kind of shit again Alex will make sure no one can locate her body. “It’s the same way I used to look at Maggie. Like when she walked off, that was the last time I was gonna see her and I wanted to make sure I had a good enough glimpse to remember her by.”

“Your sister’s my friend,” Lena explains. “My only friend.”

The smile Alex gives her is thin and almost mirthless, her eyes faltering off Lena only long enough to glance back down at the bottle in her hand. “I thought Maggie was my friend at one point, and now look where we are.”

“I…” Lena’s voice falls a little, leaning in a little closer to Alex so she can hear because now Lena’s dancing on the borders of treacherous territory. “I really don't think she feels like that. Towards me. _About_ me.”

Alex is nonchalant when she replies, “Have you tried asking her? Believe it or not, but Kara can be a bit dull considering she's in a drawer full of knives. Sometimes you have to hit her in the face with it if you want her to understand.”

Lena’s face goes dark, grabbing her own beer and bringing it up to her lips. “Believe me,” she mutters. “I’m confident she doesn’t feel that way.”

* * *

Lena meets Lucy Lane at a bar, one that’s definitely not as homey or qualifies under blue-jean-attire as Kara would deem it, but a bar nonetheless.

Lena’s here because Jess has officially declared Lena spends too much time holed up in her office and it cannot be healthy, and that as her assistant she is doing it out of the goodness of her heart because she cares for Lena, she does, and she only means the best when she kicks her out and sends her on a cab ride that lands her on the other side of the city. She’s not peeled herself out of this barstool since she walked in; Lena might be a woman that catches an eye or two but she’s got no earthly idea how to command the attention of a room, how to be confident in a world that is entirely foreign to her. She orders drinks, watches people on the dance floor, drums her fingernails along the edge of the counter, and tries to think of ways to pass the time until this place closes or she gets ahold of Jess one.

“Someone looks lonely,” a voice chuckles from behind her over the throb of the music. Lena turns around, only to see a petite brunette smirking at her like she’s the most interesting thing she’s laid eyes on in a while.

Lena’s lips press together, an attempt of a smile at any rate. “Wasn’t expecting to be here is all.”

“Well,” the woman says, reaching out and pulling one of Lena’s hands off her lap. “You’re here, so might as well enjoy yourself a little. Come dance with me.” Even if she wanted to, she couldn’t resist.

One dance evolves into two, two dances evolves into three, three dances evolves into doing shots and Lucy holding tight to Lena’s hand as she insists they get out of there and Lena’s feeling all kinds of butterflies erupting into her stomach because this is not territory she’s walked on before but god, she’s ready to explore. And then she’s waking up in Lucy’s bed the next day with a hangover and even though on the inside she’s far from calm, cool, and collected, she tries to stay that way and Lucy’s offering her a glass of water with a smile from here to Europe on her face, letting her know she can stay. Lena’s not used to people wanting her to stay, so she does.

From there it blossoms way past the hooking up, and Lena finds herself a happier version of herself because she’s with Lucy. Lucy stops by with lunch and they sit in the floor of the office since it’s apparently the most comfortable thing in there by Lucy’s standards, Lena learns how to use FaceTime properly so she can see Lucy when she has to go to California on business, Lucy takes her out and holds her hand and despite being shorter, pins Lena against the door of Lena’s apartment and kisses her until she forgets her name. Lena juvenilely changes Lucy’s name in her phone to ‘Girlfriend’ and she starts introducing her as such, and it feels right.

Like this is what she’s missed out on her whole life and finally, finally, she’s _getting_ , not just endlessly giving and winding up with nothing.

Lucy is shrewd and witty and beautiful, so, _so_ beautiful that Lena occasionally has to remind herself to breathe whenever she sees her up close, and she’s tough as nails and has the patience of a saint even if she likes to think otherwise. Lucy is the closest to perfect she’s ever going to get. And yet there’s still a lingering part of Lena that thinks about someone else every now and again, a part she wishes she could surgically remove from her person. Lucy makes her so inexplicably happy, and yet Kara’s like an aftertaste in her mouth she can’t get rid of no matter how hard she scrubs her teeth.

She doesn’t talk much about Lucy when she talks to Kara, and it’s not because she doesn’t want Kara to know because Lena knows good and well how Kara feels about people being in relationships and falling in love, she freaks out and makes a spectacle of it because she’s just _so_ excited. It’s because Lena forgets about everything when Kara’s around, like all the light and energy in the room hones in on Kara and Lena’s stepped into a daze that she won’t step out of until Kara goes and takes the sun with her.

So it’s interesting when Kara invites Lena over for dinner one night, claiming it’s a friend get-together type thing on one of the same nights Lena’s planned to go out with Lucy and celebrate their six month anniversary.

“Come on, Lena,” Kara begs and pleads, tugging on the sleeve of Lena’s sweater as they walk towards L-Corp. “You have to come; Winn and Alex and Maggie are all going to be there and I actually think Alex is looking _forward_ to seeing you and I already bought the stuff to make your favorite turnovers so you couldn’t resist.”

“Unfortunately, the way to sway me isn’t through my stomach; not all of us are you, Kara,” Lena teases, exhaling deeply. “Kara, I really don’t know, I might’ve…you know, already had something lined up.”

“Is it a business meeting?”

“No—why, if it was, would you have told me to cancel?”

Kara’s face is solemn as she nods.

“Well,” Lena continues. “It’s not a business meeting, it’s more of a…personal? Thing, I suppose? I was going to be meeting up with someone and—“

“Are they a friend?” Kara interjects, and oh, they’re much more than that, Lena thinks.

“Kind of, Kara, I—“

“Then bring them! The more the merrier, besides, I love any excuse to order ridiculous amounts of food.”

“Like you need any excuse at all, Kara Danvers.”

Kara nudges Lena in the shoulder. “You know what I mean,” she whines. “Bring them with you, okay? I promise it’s not going to bother me. I love new people, I love people in general, and I’m fine with it, seriously. Bring your friend. Let them come celebrate friendship with us.”

Lena sighs, because she’s really not so sure about all of this. “You’re sure?”

Kara’s smile is like a ray of sun hitting her directly in the face. “Absolutely.”

Lena texts Lucy that night, and even though she knows Lucy won’t make this the same kind of deal Lena’s quickly spinning it into, she’s still holding her breath when she hits send.

**_Hope you didn’t have anything extravagant planned for next Saturday, we’ll be busy celebrating the gift of friendship at Kara Danvers’ place._ **

Lucy texts back about two minutes later, the longest two minutes Lena’s ever sat through. **_Well, we’ll be having trouble celebrating the gift of friendship seeing as how you and I aren’t really friends…_**

She’s not sure what she did to deserve someone like Lucy, truly, but she thanks every lucky star she did it.

They get ready for Kara’s at Lucy’s place, because Lucy’s always at home and teases Lena about actually having a key to her supposed apartment seeing as how she pretty much lives in her office, and Lena’s bordering on the edge of a nervous wreck underneath her exterior. She’s got no reason to, but for once in her life Lena’s happy with everything and the universe is looking at her as though perhaps she’s _too_ happy, and Lena can taste disaster coming around the bend. Nothing spells disaster like getting the girlfriend and the best-friend-who-you-really-wanted-to-be-your-girlfriend together in the same room.

Lena’s standing in front of the mirror in Lucy’s bedroom, fixing the sleeves on her dress and doing one last look over herself before they leave, and Lucy’s arrival pierces through her already wildly derailing train of thought.

“Something wrong?” Lucy asks, a pair of hands sliding over her shoulders and around her waist respectively as she peers around her to get a look in the mirror at her eyes. “You’re tense.”

“I’m always tense.”

“More tense than usual, then.”

Lena turns around, gently tucking a strand of hair behind her girlfriend’s ear and smiles at her. “I’m fine. I promise. Last time I saw Kara’s sister, she was plotting my murder.” Lucy laughs, shaking her head. “I’m serious.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“She wanted my head on a stick.”

“Mhm, I’m sure.”

This is why Lena likes, no, _loves_ Lucy. Lucy is refreshing, a drink of water in the midst of a baking sun and tugs Lena back to a balance, reminds her what’s important, puts a smile on her face. This is why Lena is with Lucy, because this is what love is supposed to feel like. This is what her life has supposed to feel like all this time and now that she’s got a taste of it, she wants more.

They get to Kara’s apartment, and Lena can’t tell if Lucy’s amused or baffled that Lena knows exactly how to get there without even blinking an eye. Lena knocks twice and Kara doesn’t answer the door, Maggie does, and she’s not sure whether she should be relieved or worried by this.

Maggie greets her with a smile, ushering the both of them in. Kara’s ordered everything on the menu at Chow Hung’s, it seems, and she’s done her hardest to give it the appeal of fine cuisine, sway everyone to her wavelength of thinking, and Lena tries not to laugh at it. Alex is standing in the kitchen, leaning against the table with her lips wrapped around the top of a beer bottle and eyes finding Lena almost immediately, like magnetism, and there’s a boy who Lena assumes is Winn sitting on Kara’s couch trying to operate the TV properly.

“Luthor,” Alex acknowledges, peeling herself off of the table to walk forward and greet them, or, as Lena figures, to get a little closer for threatening purposes. She doesn’t think she will ever get on Alex Danvers’ good side, no matter how much she proves herself.

“Alex, nice to see you again,” Lena says, and instinctively clutches Lucy’s hand a little bit tighter. Alex notices this, an eyebrow lifting.

“Who’s this?”

“Lucy,” Lucy swiftly cuts Lena off, introducing herself. “I’m the girlfriend.” Alex seems all too enlightened by this, and from somewhere in the kitchen, Lena hears Maggie chuckle darkly. She’s got no idea what that means and she’s not sure she wants to.

“The girlfriend,” Alex repeats, a smirk inching on her lips. “Nice catch, Luthor.”

Lena feels her cheeks go up in flames.

“Where’s Kara at?” she asks, trying to throw the conversation off herself and specifically directing the question more so at Maggie than Alex, even though she’s not sure who’s being worse in this situation but at the very least Maggie appears to be a little less menacing.

“She went to go pick up some more of…well, something, I don’t know what it is that we don’t have here already but I’m sure Little Danvers has found something we’re in dire need of.”

Lena just nods, and then she practically drags Lucy away from the two of them.

She pulls them into the hallway off of the living room, and Lucy seems pretty amused by Lena’s being flustered. “They’re nice,” she comments, and Lena scowls.

“You only like them because they’re embarrassing the living hell out of me,” she retorts.

“You’re not wrong, babe,” Lucy says, her hand sliding along Lena’s neck as she removes the space between them, her wicked grin tasting just as delightful as it looks when her lips meet Lena’s. Lena’s between a wall and roughly over five-feet of her girlfriend and really, there’s nowhere else she’d rather be, even if Alex Danvers could spot them at any second because they’re not as well hidden as they ‘d probably like to believe. Lena tries not to dwell for too long on _Alex Danvers_ seeing as how she’s got Lucy Lane in her arms and on her mouth, right where she wants her.

“No, Alex, I told you, they didn’t have what I was looking for and— _oh my god_!”

Lena and Lucy fly apart, only to see Kara Danvers standing in front of them, startled and flustered and her hands up in mock arrest as though she’s the guilty party. Lucy laughs a little, mostly because Lena’s turned into a statue and is staring right at Kara as though she might explode on the spot. “Lena, um…hi, I didn’t know you were here already, Alex didn’t say anything?”

 _Of course she didn’t_ , Lena thinks bitterly. Awkwardness ascends to a whole new level as Lena tries to find words in her brain and pull them through her throat, words that are coherent and make sense and are of the English language. “Kara, this is—erm, this is my…”

Lucy’s the only one who doesn’t seem fazed by the intrusion, and smiles instead. “Lucy Lane. I’m Lena’s girlfriend.” Kara’s eyes, however, are wide as that platter of potstickers she’s carefully built in the kitchen, and her mouth opens slightly as she looks back and forth between them. It’s seeming to click now, what Lena had meant earlier about them somewhat being a friend and how she wasn't quite sure it was going to be alright if she even came tonight at all.

“Oh. Oh!” Kara exclaims, her lips starting to curl at the edges into a smile. “Oh, wow, _hi_ , it’s lovely to meet you Lucy,” she stammers out a bit awkwardly, adjusting her glasses.

“Nice to meet you too. Lena mentions you a lot.”

“Lena’s…yeah, Lena’s mentioned you once or twice,” Kara fumbles, and Lena silently thanks whatever god is listening that Kara’s as bad at conversing as she is lying, otherwise Lucy would have turned around and raised her eyebrows in that ‘what the hell’ look of hers and Lena would have prayed for the earth to swallow her whole. Instead, Lucy’s smiling and Kara’s giving Lena the ‘what the hell’ as subtly as she knows how, which isn’t much, and Lena’s still praying for the earth to swallow her whole.

“All good things, I hope,” Lucy says, and Kara nods fervently.

“Of course.” Kara glances back and forth between the two of them, before pasting on her typical, cheerful smile. “Well, I’ll um, leave you two alone, but if you want anything to eat at all while you’re here, might better hurry. I hear I’m not very good with sharing food?” Lucy laughs, Lena nods, and Kara scurries away like a mouse. Lena can hear someone in the kitchen erupt into laughter as she lets her head fall back and hit the wall, and she can’t tell if it’s Alex or Maggie. The both of them are probably equally amused by this.

Celebrating the gift of friendship has never been more awkward, and even Lena, who has never had any friends before, knows it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit: hi, so i just got news fifth harmony broke up and if you know me...you know they've been my life for so long that this is just emotionally crushing and i'm honestly at a loss for everything right now. i don't know how this is going to affect me over the next little bit, but i'll try to update tomorrow. i'll try my best.


	5. how to warrant desertion, a guide by lena luthor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends! i'm back, words were not forming yesterday and surprise, surprise, i wound up sick. just my luck, of course. i'm doing a bit better, and that means an update, i don't wanna get more behind than i already am. this chapter's going to be a little shorter than the others, but that's only because the next couple of chapters are more than likely going to be behemoths. as always, thank you for all the comments and the general love you show this story (as well as a big thank you for all your concerns towards my ongoing 5h dilemma, it means a lot) because i sure don't know what i did to deserve any of it or you but i hope that this chapter brightens your day the way you brighten mine. onwards.
> 
> alternate title: when lena met kara.

Lena meets James through Clark Kent of all people, and it happens when Clark sends her what she can only deem to be an apologetic fruit basket for all the shit Lex has put her through over the past year. Lena knows that the only way Clark knows this is through Kara, and he’s clearly trying to rebuild all the bridges he’s accidentally broken, but Lena smiles and gracefully accepts it anyways.

James delivers it, for two reasons: one, because Clark trusts no one else to do it, and two, he’s already in town for a meeting with Cat Grant about his work in photojournalism. Lena takes to him almost instantly, because he’s a conversationalist and he wants to know more about what she’s doing at L-Corp since he’s heard great things, he’s got a smile on his face and he seems genuinely intrigued to hear what she’s got to say. She realizes why about two minutes in.

He’s a Kara. 

He’s warm and friendly and he’s just a little bit awkward when she reaches for the fruit basket about the same time he goes to set it down on her desk. Lena’s only just now gotten the hang of the whole friendship thing, she thinks, and even though she can quite literally count the number of her friends on one hand, she feels like she’s gotten better at it. Like she actually wants them in her life and wants to work to keep them there. James is someone she thinks she’d want to have in her life as a friend.

James sticks around for a little longer than anticipated, and he offers to take Lena out for dinner one night as a means of celebrating their accomplishments—Lena on doing well in making L-Corp in her own light, James on landing an art-director deal with Cat Grant for a few issues of the magazine. Lena decides that she really, really likes James. Really likes him. Likes him enough to the point that she’s willing to do something she’s never done. Matchmaking.

Because, after all, he’s a Kara and there’s no one better to be with Kara than someone of her own kind.

“You wouldn’t happen to be dating anyone, would you?” she asks towards the end of their meal, and he looks a little startled by the blunt edge of the question. She tries to appease his shock by backpedaling. “I only ask because I’ve got a friend you’d be perfect for. Practically her other half.”

One of his hands sheepishly rubs the back of his neck. “I’m afraid I’m seeing someone,” he admits.  _ Damn _ , Lena internally swears. She’d be okay seeing Kara with someone like this, it wouldn’t hurt any seeing her with someone like James Olsen because James is kind and compassionate and a little bit dorky just like Kara, and she actually likes James. She likes him way too much to ever hate him, she thinks, and seeing Kara with someone like this, someone like him would make it a hell of a lot easier to see her with someone at all. (Lena thinks Kara deserves nothing less than the world, and yes, a small part of her wishes she was that, but she isn’t and she’s come to terms with it. James, however, seems like he’s a good candidate.)

She smiles. “That’s a shame.”

Lena gives Kara his number anyways.

* * *

 

It’s coming up on Lucy and Lena’s one-year anniversary when things seem to go haywire, and Lena has no idea how she’s supposed to go about, well, fixing it.

Lucy’s been doing more and more work lately with her dad, who Lena’s yet to meet mostly because she’s heard the stories and she’d rather not dance that dance, thank you very much, and even though Lucy’s not going to outright say it, Lena can see in her eyes that she’s ready to get out of National City. Lucy’s always been an army brat growing up, it’s practically in her DNA and she knows no differently. One view isn’t enough for her. One view is all Lena’s ever been comfortable with. This is where the divide begins to start placing cracks in between them.

Lena knows. She doesn’t have to hear Lucy iron out a thought process about what she’s thinking, what she’s feeling. Lena just  _ knows _ . She knows Lucy wants to leave, she knows Lucy wants to help her father out and put the law degree to use for once, feel like she’s making a difference, breathe the air that she knows best. Lena, however, doesn’t push Lucy to make any kind of decisions. Even though she knows what it’ll be when the end draws near, she knows Lucy needs to figure it out for herself.

So Lena stays quiet, does her job, sees Lucy every other night or so for dinner or a movie, and tries to let things be the way they’re supposed to. The cracks start to grow a little more and more each day, the divide brewing in the air, and Lena just tries to ignore it. If there’s anything she has genetically been trained to sense, it’s how and when she and other people start to separate. She laughs bitterly sometimes at the thought of it; she can delude herself however she pleases, put on whatever mask she thinks fits her best and go around in a masquerade, like the universe won’t find her and hand out what she knows is coming for her, but she will always, always end up alone. No matter who she invites in or shows out, no matter what lengths she goes to, she will always end up alone.

Lena starts staying more and more at the office, and big things start happening at L-Corp, which warrants all sorts of media attention and press about it. Lena does a spread for a magazine about the company, and herself, and Lex never comes up once. Lena’s got interviews pouring in the small slices of time in between meetings and speeches and presentations. Lena is finally reaping her successes in and she can see the results for once, right in front of her. The things she and she alone did. She should be on top of the moon, and she wants to be.

But in the meantime, Lucy’s working on cases with her father and is hardly ever in town it seems like. She’s back for a hot second before she gets on another plane, and apologies quickly turn into just a common courtesy; Lena knows she’s not going to be home and there’s no reason to say sorry for it because there’s nothing to be sorry about. They’re both serious about their jobs, and Lena admires that in the same way Lucy admired it in her. Lena can’t recall the last time she’s actually been to her apartment more than twice in a week since she started dating Lucy, but every night she isn’t in the office, she goes back to her place where it’s dark and empty and the bed seems a lot stiffer than she remembers. 

The divide keeps going, the cracks start to run deeper than just the surface and they grow and stretch to where Lena begins to feel distance, the separation. It’s subtle and most wouldn’t pick up on it this early, but Lena does and her brain has snapped into gear. The phone calls to let the other know when and when they won’t be home grow less frequent. Dates get cancelled like it’s nothing. Lucy goes back to ‘Lucy Lane’ in Lena’s phone. When they say something like ‘I love you’ on the phone in the one slot of time Lena’s not in a meeting and Lucy’s not on a plane, the words are hollow and almost hold no meaning to them at all.

In this situation, typically Lena would bury her head farther into work, since that’s the one thing that never leaves a body alone. Faithful, steadfast, a thorn in her side but always there. It’s what she’s used to, of course, and she slowly begins to feel herself mold back into that shape once again. Kara, however, notices.

Kara is something like Lena’s best friend (Lena’s never had one of those and the term is so juvenile she almost feels a little silly using it) and Kara refuses to let Lena feel like she’s even remotely alone for so much as a second. Kara likes Lucy, she likes Lucy and Lena together, and she forces Lena to come over to her apartment for dinner on the nights she knows Lena and Lucy have had plans that inevitably gotten cancelled. Lena doesn’t like Chinese food, and Kara promises she’ll order pizza or something just to get Lena to come over.

“Do you know if you’re going to break up?” Kara quietly asks one night, while Lena’s chasing the rest of her drink around the glass. Lena glances up at her and sees Kara gnawing on her lower lip, as if she’s nervous to hear what the answer is. Kara likes Lucy, though, roots for the relationship. She cares for Lena. She has her reasons.

Lena shrugs. “Honest?” Kara nods, and Lena sighs. “Probably.” Kara’s face falls in disappointment, like Lena’s grabbed a rock and thrown it right at her window the way the letdown spreads over her features. “We’re just distant. It doesn’t feel like we’re even together anymore at this point.”

“Well, sometimes that’s how relationships work? I mean, you guys have been together for almost a year. Maybe you guys are just comfortable in the routine you have, like an old married couple or something. Maybe you just need something to spice it up?” Lena gives Kara a sad smile. She appreciates the effort her friend is trying to put forth, because that’s Kara’s specialty, trying to fix things to the best of her ability, but in this case she doesn’t think there is any of Kara’s magic healing making a dent in the stack of problems. 

“We’re not exactly the old married couple type, Kara,” she explains as gently as she can. “Lucy and I are workaholics, we always have been, it’s why we clicked so well in the first place. We aren’t these grand romantic type of people. We’re still in it now because it’s our routine, I think. We don’t know any different, but once it starts getting in the way, it’s over.”

Kara doesn’t like that answer. Kara is the grand romantic type of person Lena is referring to and they both know it, they both know it well. She daydreams about finding someone who she’s meant to be with forever, spontaneity and adoration overflowing like a bunch of rose petals, rose petals Kara certainly wants plenty of. Kara daydreams about a forever, Lena daydreams about what it would be like to actually daydream. “That’s no way to be in a relationship, though,” Kara mutters sadly. “That’s not how you should  _ live _ .”

“Sometimes, Kara, that’s all people know.”

Kara’s not entirely convinced and it shows on her face, the apprehension, but she offers another drink to Lena instead.

Over the next two weeks, roughly, it gets worse. Lucy’s home for only twenty hours during that time, and the rest she’s in the middle of the desert where there’s no telephone service and hardly ever feels up to talking when she drags herself back to the hotel to sleep. Lena on the other hand, is running a multi-million dollar corporation that never sleeps, and there’s always something new, something that holds her attention and occupies her brain, leaving no room for anything else. When she goes to bed at night, she can feel the darkness washing over her, the feeling of solitude a blanket that wraps around her comfortably. She can hear the silence ringing in her ears and it’s not aggravating, but an itch she hasn’t scratched in a while.

Sometimes, which is more often than not, Kara sends her a text or email, asking how she is, and it’s usually sent with a picture of a small animal in a field of flowers as a means to cheer her up. In Kara’s world, this is dark and gloomy and a looming thunderstorm on the horizon that’s going to give way any second now, but for Lena, this is just another day. The cracks have already run as deep as they’re going to go, the divide is pulling them apart a little more each and every day, and it’s going to happen any day now. Lena can feel it surging in her veins. She’s not dreading it, she’s not welcoming it, she just knows it’s coming. She doesn’t try to prepare anything either, try to make some speech to fight it off, to make it work, because Lena knows better. She just lets it run its course.

And then it happens.

It doesn’t go up in flames; there’s no dramatic screaming and yelling or tears flooding someone’s eyes that keeps them from seeing straight. It’s quiet, almost amiable if breaking up was an amiable thing, and it’s something Lena has long since seen coming. She and Lucy look at each other and they know, because it’s a struggle recognizing who the other person is anymore. Lena’s raking in success along with dollar bills at L-Corp, Lucy’s off to be a major in the US Army. Lena has no plans of leaving National City, if ever, and Lucy’s already got an apartment waiting for her in Los Angeles. The roads have diverged and there’s no seeing them crossing back together anytime soon. This relationship is no longer what they want anymore. They don’t need it, don’t want it, it’s a string that keeps getting tangled in everything else and the both of them are ready to cut it off and throw it away.

Lena figures she ought to feel at least something when she does it, ought to _ see _ a whole year’s worth of time and effort and opening herself up to someone, someone amazing come crumbling down there on the spot, but she doesn’t. There’s a familiar ache in her stomach when she gives back Lucy the spare key, one she hasn’t felt in awhile.

Loneliness; it had returned and it seems glad to be back home.    


* * *

 

Lena misses Lucy, and she misses Kara.

Kara seems to have fallen off the place of the planet, and Lena’s got absolutely no idea why that is or what it could possibly mean, but it’s probably not anything good judging by the way Kara manages to always find trouble even when she’s not looking for it. Kara’s a good distraction though, to distract her off the fact that no one’s in Lucy’s apartment anymore and that while she’s not entirely alone, she’s a step back in that direction. Kara has enough light in her to blind Lena from whatever her mind’s dwelling on, so she decides she needs a little walk in the sun.

She has to ask her GPS where in the hell Chow Hung’s is and is pleasantly surprised to see it is a very real place, up and thriving with other customers who are not Kara Danvers, and she orders Kara three orders of potstickers because she can. She figures if she’s going to come unannounced, might as well bring a reason to stay. 

Lena arrives at Kara’s apartment, armed with Chinese food and a hopeful attitude that comes shattering straight to the ground when Kara opens up the door.

Wearing a black dress and heels, still messing around with the back of her earring, Kara is significantly disappointed when she spots Lena standing across the threshold. She tries to mask it though, taping the smile back up on her face as best she can. “Lena, hi! What uh, what are you doing here?”

Lena holds up the bag as offering, hopeful smile on her face. “I was wondering if you wanted to do dinner, spend some time together tonight. I know it’s kind of all of a sudden, but I figured you’d be home. Although now, I’m getting the feeling you had plans and maybe I should have called before coming over and surprising you.”

It’s clear by the look on Kara’s face she’s torn. After all, Lena’s never known her to turn down potstickers when they’re dancing right in front of her. “Lena,” she says like she’s about to talk to a child, and Lena braces herself for the disappointing blow that’s coming. “I’m, I’m really sorry, it’s just that I’ve got a date with James tonight and he hasn’t been in town for awhile so I really couldn’t say no when he called...”

“James?” Lena’s eyebrows lift in surprise; last she’d heard, James was back in Metropolis with his significant other. She wonders what’s changed since. “That’s...that’s wonderful, Kara, I really like James. He’s good for you.”

Kara smiles, her lips pressed together when she does, and she still seems unsure about running Lena off even though that’s all there’s really left to do. Lena knows it was coming anyways, the minute she saw Kara in that dress it was game over. “I’m  _ so _ sorry, Lena, I really...I really wish you would have called so I didn’t have to do this to you. You’ve been through enough lately.”

“It’s fine, really,” Lena promises, shaking her head to visibly force the sadness away from her facial features until Kara disappears. “Another time?”

“Definitely.” Something in the apartment distracts Kara’s attention, and she glances back at Lena apologetically. “I’ve really gotta go, call me sometime later tonight?” Lena nods, as there’s no time to spit out anything else before Kara’s shut the door in her face to finish getting ready for her date with James.  _ This is what you wanted, you’re only getting what you asked for. _

Lena’s left with a severely damaged outlook on everything and a bunch of potstickers she’s not even remotely interested in eating.


	6. dangerous moves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends! we're coming up on the end here, and i'm super excited about it, mostly because it means there's room to start working on requests and other story ideas and get a start on finishing up some edits i've had in my drafts for way too long. i pinky swear that we're getting to the good stuff. thanks for reading, and i love ya.
> 
> alternate title: when lena met kara.

Kara is happy with James, and she doesn’t even have to tell Lena this for Lena to just _know_.

*** * ***

Kara texts Lena every now and again, to ask how she is, making sure she’s okay post-Lucy even though Lena hasn’t entertained many thoughts of her ex-girlfriend since. Lena tells her she’s fine, if she even picks up the phone at all.

*** * ***

Kara tries to set Lena up with several very nice, lovely women she knows through Alex and through work, but Lena pretends she doesn’t get any of the messages. She doesn’t want someone that works with Alex Danvers on a daily basis, doesn’t want some random anybody. She wants one person, the one person she’s completely talked herself out of believing she’ll ever get close to having ever again.

*** * ***

Lena sees Kara in person for the first time in what feels like ages when she comes in to do an interview for Cat. Kara’s still doing her best to be Lena’s friend, but Lena’s slipping. Kara doesn’t seem to care like she used to, and if that’s the case, Lena’s not sure she wants to keep on pining. That’s not her.

*** * ***

She tries not to think about Kara. Kara is all she can think about.

*** * ***

Lena contemplates texting Alex for a hot second, and then instantly decides that is the worst idea that has ever risen to the forefront of her mind, even worse than the time in college when she thought Sierra Silver and Fireball mixed together would be a surefire way to get drunk in one round. (It did.) She’s not sure what she even would have said to Alex, anyways.

(She would have asked if Kara mentioned her anymore.)

*** * ***

This is the first time since the Kiss that she’s come to terms with what she’s feeling. She’s not confused about it anymore. She felt something for Kara then. Even when she was with Lucy, she was still carrying around a tiny tea light candle in her pocket. And now that she couldn’t have Kara, it was all she wanted. Lena hates herself and doesn’t leave her office for four days straight. Jess sends her home by force.

*** * ***

Kara’s texts become far and few in between. Lena likes to believe it’s for reasons she knows it isn’t. It’s because she’s spending all her time with James. Lena is happy for them. She wants to look at herself in the mirror and say ‘I told you so’ so desperately, but the opposing side of her conscious makes her stay overnight in the office where there are no reflective surfaces to be seen.

*** * ***

Lena has to go to the doctor because Jess swears Lena now has carpal tunnel. Lena passes by CatCo on her way there and asks for painkillers for her headaches instead of something for her hands. Jess is not pleased.

*** * ***

Kara stops talking to Lena. Lena can’t say she’s surprised.

* * *

Lena has no idea why in the hell she gets an engagement party invitation for Alex Danvers, of all people, but it gets delivered straight to her office and she stares at it for a few moments, as if it may explode any second. This doesn’t seem real, doesn’t hardly seem normal. If anything, it’s entirely out of the character Lena’s recognized Alex to be, but when it doesn’t explode and glitter doesn’t come pouring out of the envelope when she tips it upside down, she decides perhaps she didn’t know Alex Danvers that well after all.

She’s conflicted on whether or not she should actually show up to this, since her best guess is that the only reason she got the invite in the first place was because of Kara. They’re probably expecting her to bring Lucy, seeing as how they haven’t really talked to Kara in the first place, otherwise they would have known that she hasn’t spoken to Kara in roughly two months. She doesn’t really feel like she’s in any sort of position to show up at a party centered around Alex Danvers, who she’s still pretty sure hates her.

At the same time, Lena wants to go because she knows she’ll run into Kara and maybe, just maybe something good will come of it. The chances of it are slim, the odds against her are stacked like a skyscraper, but she figures it’s worth a shot.

So she pulls out a dress that she vaguely remembers wearing to a gala once before, one she hasn’t touched since then, and makes her way to a restaurant she’s never heard of until now to celebrate Alex Danvers, of all people, getting married. She has to hold back the dark laughter at the thought.

Maggie spots Lena first—apparently, Lena is so early that they haven’t even been seated yet—and she gets a delightfully wicked grin on her face. Lena knows then that Alex had nothing to do with sending the invitation, seeing as how it hadn’t exploded in her face, and that Maggie is behind all of this. She’s not shocked. “Luthor!” she exclaims, like she’s trying to at least pretend to be surprised at seeing Lena even though Maggie is not an actress in any right. It’s a wonder the woman actually came away with any money at all when she went to Vegas with Alex that one time a few months ago on vacation. Back when she and Kara were still talking.

“Look at you,” Maggie says as she walks over, devilish gleam in her eyes. “Dressing up for a hot date tonight?”

“I’m here by myself,” Lena explains, and Maggie’s eyebrows lift.

“I know.”

“Congratulations,” she says in a haste attempt to redirect the conversation as fast as she can, because Maggie will get ideas and no idea that ever comes in Maggie’s mind is ever good. “I didn’t know you guys were even thinking about marriage.” _Because I haven’t talked to Kara in two months and apparently, the world deems that just enough time to flip on its head._ Maggie smiles.

“C’mon, Luthor, look at me. There’s no way Alex could resist being apart from me for the rest of her life; she barely likes getting out of bed in the morning to go to work.”

“How many drinks have you had already?”

“Two, but it’s none of your business.”

Lena decides to go to the bar, mostly so she can put off facing Alex as long as humanly possible since she now knows it wasn’t the other Danvers who so kindly shipped an invitation out her way. She orders something strong, because she knows she’s going to need it, idles around for a little while before she gets a refill and goes off to brave the war. When she returns, it’s to her disappointment that only a few people have shown up since, meaning the odds of her having to converse shoot straight up to the ceiling.

Alex notices her, eyebrows furrowing for a second in confusion before she saunters over to where Lena’s plastered herself along the edge of the divider the restaurant’s put up. “Lena Luthor,” she notes. “Never thought I’d see you at my engagement…celebration thing.” Lena picks up on the fact Alex might have wanted the engagement, but not the party. She thinks of how Kara enjoys parties, and half expects her to round the corner any minute with her face flustered trying to arrange last minute details. It wouldn’t surprise her any.

The smile on her lips is thin. “Can’t say I thought it either, but here we are.” She catches sight of the ring on Alex’s finger, watching as the lowlights catch it and make the colors spin. Lena wonders sometimes what that would feel like, to have a reason to wear a ring on that finger. She doesn’t entertain any of those thoughts for too long, usually. “Congratulations,” Lena continues. “You two always were a lovely couple.”

“Thanks,” Alex says, and despite Lena knowing Alex is still rather apprehensive, she seems grateful. Grateful for the well-wishing, grateful for the distraction from everything brewing behind her. She looks around, and Lena briefly wanders if she’s spotted someone—Kara—before Alex’s eyes fall back on her. “Where’s the girlfriend?”

Lena’s confused for a minute, and then she realizes Alex is referring to Lucy. She hasn’t been much of a conversation after all, and the blow hurts more than she’s anticipated. “Oh,” she mutters. “Lucy and I have been…we’re not together anymore.” Confusion colors Alex’s face for a moment, but she lets it go.

“Sorry to hear it. Not going to lie to you, though, we were pretty surprised when you came in with one of the hottest women I’ve ever laid eyes on that night at a _friendship_ celebration.” Lena snorts, and her doubts about Alex being the one to send the invitation fades a little.

People start arriving, and Lena has never felt more out of place in her life, and she’s always been out of place. She hardly knows any of the people who begin to surround them or sit near her (she has to claim a seat somewhere or she’ll be standing for all of dinner, although the idea’s a bit tempting since it would give her an out) and while a few recognize her, they don’t have much to say to her. She never thought she’d be so fucking grateful to see Clark Kent in her life, but here she is, smiling and waving at him and striking up what she’d deem small talk with him to keep her from feeling about as obdurate as she knows she looks. And then people begin to sit down until they’re all seated and making drink orders, and Lena realizes there are very few seats left at the table, that they’re only missing a few people. Lena doesn’t know who it is they’re waiting on, until she knows.

She doesn’t know how she didn’t realize Kara wasn’t here up until now, but with that flustered color in her cheeks and hair falling from an up-do that’s probably taken her way too long to do, Lena doesn’t know how she could have ever overlooked that detail in the first place.

Kara apologizes profoundly to both Alex and Maggie, kissing both of them on the cheek as she hurriedly walks over to find a seat, a seat that conveniently happens to be right next to Lena. Lena doesn’t know if it’s because Kara’s clearly sprinted for a solid mile and a half in those heels and she’s tired, or if she’s got an ulterior motive to it or what, but Lena stiffens and suddenly becomes very, very interested in the ice cubes in her glass of water.

Maggie laughs. Alex doesn’t bother with hitting her in the ribs because she too is just as amused.

Kara doesn’t hardly speak for the first twenty minutes of the meal, to anyone at that matter, because she’s still disconcerted and is trying to come down from it. Lena spends those twenty minutes trying to think of something, anything she could possibly say to Kara, but nothing comes. Nothing.

She finally leans over across the table and whispers something in Alex’s ear. Alex’s face goes dark for a minute, and then Kara says something else to her and she seems to visibly level back out, even though she’s more than likely still fuming underneath the surface. Kara then blossoms like the flower Lena’s used to seeing.

Lena, however, is a bit misplaced during the dinner, even with Kara next to her. Maggie takes a real interest in getting Lena to talk for whatever reason, and Lena’s coming up with different ways to get her back all while trying to ignore Kara’s looks when she does speak. Lena reminds herself over and over of James; James, who she likes, James, who is her friend, James, who Kara is currently dating and very, very happy with, James, the boyfriend, James, the guy that Kara’s probably in love with. It works only for a little bit, and then Lena goes back to numbing her thoughts in alcohol.

Even Alex gives her a funny look.

Alex and Maggie both give little spiels somewhere before dessert, and Lena watches them closely. She thinks about what it’s like to be that happy with someone, to have found a forever in a person and to be so damn over the moon about it you have to invite everyone to dinner just to relish in the bliss. Lena almost thinks it’s cruel, or at least, to those who are like her and currently have no love life to their name, nor are they interested in one. All this does is remind them of what they do not have, what they _could_ have but simply don’t, and it’s a steak knife right to the already wounded heart. The whole evening is hearts fluttering over heads and it’s not Lena’s scene at all.

Lena excuses herself towards the end of the night as everyone finishes up paying, figuring no one will be the wiser if she slips away without a goodbye. She goes to the bathroom, with its quiet classical music playing a little louder over the speakers and lower lighting, and she absentmindedly washes her hands to give herself long enough to at least let everyone forget she was there in the first place before she slips off. It’s a terrible practice she has perfected.

She’s just drying off her hands when Kara comes storming into the bathroom, a whirlwind and Lena doesn’t know if she’s ever seen Kara this rattled, but she doesn’t say anything to her about it. Kara’s startled to see Lena standing there, and for a minute, Lena swears she’s going to start firing off, words pouring from her tongue like someone’s let the sink run for too long, but they don’t. Lena doesn’t try to prompt them. Instead, she goes back to drying her hands off, and Kara starts to head into a stall to do god knows what, she looks like she doesn’t even know what she’s _doing_ in here to begin with.

And then she stops, turns back around, and catches the reflection of Lena’s eyes as Lena looks back up to throw the paper towel away. The expression on her face is screaming that she’s holding something in and she needs to tell someone. Needs to tell _Lena._  

“James broke up with me,” Kara spits out, and all Lena can do is stare at the image of Kara that’s showing up there in the mirror. Kara exhales, as if she’s been holding her breath, and then carries on nervously. “He, um…he left a few nights ago, and I thought that maybe I had just read too far into it, but he’s gone. He doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. He went back to Metropolis.”

Lena turns around slowly, her eyes never leaving Kara. “I’m sorry,” she says, and she means it. Kara’s still anxiously wringing out her hands.

“He’s a workaholic. He’s like…he’s like you and Lucy were. He liked me, but he loved his job more. And I…I can’t blame him for that. I mean, I want to, but I can’t. Because it’s not fair. Right?” Kara is a bundle of nerves at this point, unraveling quick and fast in front of Lena and she’s got no idea how to hold her together long enough to make their escape before Kara breaks down in hysterics. “Right?” she repeats again, and Lena just nods.

“It isn’t fair.”

“And…and it’s not fair,” Kara says, as the words crash down on her like a wave. “It’s not fair.”

Lena hasn’t realized that she’s been holding her breath this whole time, but she has, and she respires slowly. “Do you want to maybe go somewhere?” she asks quietly, and Kara nods quickly. Lena can see the tears burning in Kara’s eyes, as she starts blinking rapidly to hold them at bay, and she offers her hand for Kara.

Kara grabs it, and Lena almost feels bad for enjoying the spike of electrical energy that rushes up through her fingers.

Lena takes them back to her apartment, and the whole ride there her mind is more alive than it’s been in weeks. Everything is sharp and vibrant for once, whirling by at the speed of light. Kara and James have broken up. Kara is here, in her car, because she needs, she _wants_ Lena and Lena remembers what it feels like to be wanted. For someone to appreciate her company. She is here to be a friend, of course, even if her heart has elevated to her throat and is hammering there and god, it’s a miracle Kara can’t hear it beating. This is what she’s wanted, and she’s going to let it fall right from her fingers once again and just watch, because she can’t do this to Kara now. Not tonight, while she’s down.

_If not tonight, then when?_

When they get to Lena’s, Kara walks in first and looks around in awe. Lena almost forgets that Kara’s never seen her place when she shuts the door and locks it back behind them, seeing the puzzled look on Kara’s face. “It’s…empty,” Kara observes, a hint of sadness in her voice when she says it.

Lena shrugs, hanging her bag up on the rack near the door. “I’m not home much,” she says nonchalantly. “Besides, I’m not a decorator.”

Kara seems lost and grey in this setting, wandering aimlessly, and Lena’s never noticed how Kara really is the sun in every room she steps in. The difference here, is there’s no amount of light she could radiate to bring any warmth to this room. It’s felt about as much love as Lena’s known. She turns to face Lena, hands falling by her side. “You didn’t have to pull me out of there,” she finally sighs, and Lena knows instantly this is a mistake. Just like everything with Kara she does seems to be.

“I’m your friend. Why wouldn’t I?”

A small smile turns on the corners of Kara’s lips. “You know, a few years ago you wouldn’t have said anything about friends. You would have claimed it was all a myth, friendship.”

Lena pauses, thinking about it for a minute and tries to bring the growth to her mind, but she can’t see it. “I guess you’re right.”

“No, I _am_ right,” Kara corrects her, following Lena as she heads into the kitchen to fetch something to drink, even though she’s had enough already and Kara doesn’t need any alcohol in her system to make her feel any worse than she already does. “You have friends here, you’ve been in a serious relationship, and a few years ago all you wanted to do was hole away and be by yourself.”

“This isn’t supposed to be about me,” Lena points out, putting her keys out on the island where she keeps them for easy access—she doesn’t know why she does this, but it’s a habit she can no longer shake. “We’re talking about the thing with James.”

“I…I don’t want to talk about it,” Kara says, clearing her throat as Lena walks to the fridge and starts looking. “I can’t talk about it anymore. I’m just…I can’t make any sense of it. I can’t do it, Lena.” Her voice takes a sharp turn and Lena stops, knowing that she’s let it go a bit too far.

“Okay then,” Lena agrees, turning her back to the half-opened refrigerator. “We don’t have to talk about it. We’ll talk about whatever you want to.”

Kara lifts an eyebrow, and takes a step forward. “And if I don’t want to talk at all?”

This, this is _dangerous_ territory. Lena knows exactly where it’s going, because she’s been right in this pair of shoes a lifetime ago and it still feels like a week ago in her mind. This was the same place she’s stood in back when Kara kissed her and didn’t remember and nothing, nothing has changed at all; Kara’s got alcohol in her system and she’s going off on tangents that Lena knows she shouldn’t be and Lena is frozen to the spot, willing to do whatever Kara wants because it’s Kara and god, is this going to end in the same flaming mess it did last time.

Lena’s throat is dry, and she licks over her lips to make sure she can still feel them as she goes to speak. “Kara,” she practically chokes out. “Kara…”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“Okay.”

Kara takes another step forward, her hands settle on either side of Lena’s face and she tentatively presses her lips against hers.

Lena feels like she has turned to stone.

She’s got no idea what in the hell this means, if it means anything at all, and she melts right into it because she is weak and this is what she wants and she can’t _help_ herself, even if it is wrong. Kara explores carefully, her lips moving against Lena’s in a way that sends lightning along Lena’s spine. It’s not like the last time they kissed, simple and sweet, but Kara’s taking her time as her fingers thread into Lena’s hair and pulls her a little bit closer. Kara takes more initiative than Lena would have ever imagined, and she follows right along in content. Her hands rest on the edge of Kara’s waist and Lena kisses her back like she means it. Because she does.

Kara doesn’t taste like chocolate and vodka like last time, she tastes sweeter and she is soft and Lena can’t, she just cannot seem to get her brain to form any sort of coherent thought. Kara slips her tongue in her mouth and Lena nearly falls apart at the seams. This is what she has wanted for _years_ and it is happening, it’s happening and

It’s not happening the way she wants to.

Lena parts them and Kara is confused, rightfully so, and Lena feels her heart plummeting in her chest like it’s got the anchor already tied to it. She wants to, she wants Kara so badly her throat burns and her stomach aches. But she cannot do it like this. “Kara, we…I can’t do this. Neither can you, you just got out…you don’t even remember the last time we did this.” That’s a douse of ice water down the neck, and Kara pulls away slightly.

“The last time?” she echoes, and Lena nods. “You mean…we’ve done this before.”

“Yes, and—“

“And you didn’t tell me?” The hurt is creeping into Lena’s voice and oh god, oh _fuck_ , this is not going the way she wanted it to and now she’s regretting even talking at all. Kara’s hands leave Lena’s face as she steps back a little, as though she’s been burned. “We’ve…we’ve kissed before and you never said anything?”

“It wasn’t my _place_ , Kara, you didn’t remember and I didn’t know if you felt that way and I—“

“You what, couldn’t live with the rejection?” Kara says, and it feels like venom burning holes into Lena’s skin when the words hit her. “You didn’t know if I would have turned you down, you couldn’t have known how I felt if I didn’t even remember it, like you said. You can't just not tell me something like that and then expect any differently of me when I act like it never happened, Lena!”

“I didn’t have anyone!” Lena snaps, exasperated and tired of dancing around this. “You said it yourself, I didn’t have anyone a few years ago, but I had you. And I had already lost you then, and I wasn’t really interested in losing you again, not over something like a kiss. A drunken kiss that was a social experiment for you, as far as anyone’s concerned. Hell, some people could argue it wasn’t even long enough to be a kiss, because it was that quick, Kara. But I remembered it and it…it was like _flying_ , or something. And I wanted to say something to you, your sister all but threatened me to say something to you because apparently it was written all over my face how I felt about you, but I didn’t, because I couldn’t handle the thought of losing you, _again_!”

“You were happy with Lucy though, you set me up with James?”

“Come _on_ , Kara, are you that oblivious? I dated Lucy because she made me forget about you for one whole second, I dated her because she was everything you weren’t and that was what I needed and yet I **_still_** found myself thinking of you when I was with her; there near the end you were all I could fucking think about! I set you up with James because I could live with myself if that’s who you wound up with! I did it because I knew I couldn’t have you and you said it yourself, I didn’t deserve to be alone!”

“So what are you saying?” The tears are back in Kara’s eyes, and Lena’s are burning holes straight through those blue irises. “That you…that you have feelings for me?”

Lena throws her hands up in the air carelessly. “I don’t fucking know, Danvers.” She knows, though. She knows that yes, she has feelings for Kara, she has feelings that could level the city and at this point, hell, it might even be love. Lena has feelings, feelings that are leaving her ribs charred every time Kara comes in the room, feelings that send electricity through every last vein, every goddamned feeling there is, she feels it. But she can’t say it anymore. She doesn’t want to.

“Lena—“

“Just…go, Kara,” Lena sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose as she gestures in direction of the door. “I can’t do this right now, I told you. I can’t do this with you.”

Kara looks like a kicked puppy as she leaves.

 


	7. kind of, sort of, maybe something else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well my friends, we have reached the end of this little journey! bet you wouldn't believe me if i told you this all started as a college bakery au and went so, so entirely differently than i'd planned. i'm glad it's gone the way it has. as always, thank you to everyone who has read this or will read it and left so many nice comments, they seriously brighten my world a little bit more every time i read them. i hope you're satisfied with how the story ends, and i hope that i'll see all of you when it comes to whatever i end up writing next! if you're not following me on tumblr, i'm at littlegreys, and i'm at swiftrevivals on twitter. come be friends with me. 
> 
> alternate title: when lena met kara.

If she could bring herself to talk to Kara, Lena would. However, she’s gotten several very promising text messages and emails from Alex that make it very clear: stay away from her. She doesn’t have anything to say to you. At all. Lena figures that’s fair. She’s not even sure what she’d say to Kara at this point either.

The words echo in her skull, ricocheting off the walls of her mind and kindly reminder her exactly what she’s said over and over, like she’s ever got a chance of forgetting it in the beginning, and to top it all off there’s Kara’s glassy blue eyes haunting her every time she closes her own. She’s earned it, though. After blasting Kara to kingdom come all because of one goddamn kiss, she’s earned being haunted every time she so much as breathes a second into her isolation.

She spends Christmas alone.

But she gets a text message the next day, from Lucy of all people, and for a moment she wonders if she’s dreamed the past few months up, if she’s really still with Lucy after all and nothing’s been shot to hell like it is now.

**_James and I are throwing a NYE party in National City, please promise you’ll show up??? We’re both dying to see you._ **

That had been a small shock to the system, James and Lucy as a _thing_. Lena almost finds it ironic, the fact that her ex and Kara’s ex are now seemingly smitten with one another. If her timeline is anywhere near accurate, Kara hasn’t been split up from James but for roughly three weeks now, and she can only imagine that Kara’s still got plenty of open wounds to nurse. Lena says she’ll come, and she doesn’t ask if Kara’s got an invitation either. She’d rather not risk losing a limb courtesy of Alex Danvers and the sisterly rage.

Lena isn’t a celebratory person, either, so really, the only reason she’s even going to this damn thing is because she can’t say to both Lucy and James making puppy dog eyes at her, and because she’s closed up the office for the holidays and can’t go back on her word now, since security’s got the place bolted up tight. It’s mostly the latter, but she doesn’t dare tell Lucy that. Lena’s grateful that their split was good-natured; at this point, Lena will take whoever in her corner now that Kara’s swiftly left, and this time, for good.

There’s no mending what she said. There is no taking it back or forgetting it or letting time erode over it to where they laugh about it in a few years. The knife went way too deep and even though Lena had to drive it down before she ended up going insane, it still did its damage. Damage she can’t take back. So she holds her shoulders straight and embraces it as best she can, which is an easier task since Kara or people she knows through Kara are no longer figures she sees regularly.

She gets dressed for the party, wearing the same dress she wore to Alex and Maggie’s a few weeks ago because it’s really the only one she owns that’s fitting for non-work related purposes and every time she touches it she feels fire burning underneath her fingertips. Getting singed. All her damn fault. Lena catches sight of the mirror and her breath hooks in her throat, snagged, because this is just a bad idea and _why_ can’t she and Jess be the same dress size so this disaster could have been avoided. She tries not to think about Kara. She tries her hardest.

But she still carries a candle like it’s her damn purpose in life, and she physically has to stop herself from sending Kara about five different renditions of the same ‘come to this party tonight, I want to see you’ text.

Lena shows up at James and Lucy’s party, where they’ve only invited over a hundred of their dearest, closest friends, and Lena scoffs at their words now. It’ll be a miracle if they can find her here at all.

If she has to find a favorite holiday, New Year’s wouldn’t even be in the running for her favorite. The only thing she remotely likes about it is that there’s an excuse to drink more champagne than necessary. Everything else; the masses of people going out until the early hours of the morning, the thought of renewing yourself, it’s a joke. Especially in Lena’s case, it’s hard to wipe the slate clean when it’s practically broken clean in half, and then even when the odds defy it, you go and make it worse by putting the last nail in the coffin with your two bare hands.

Everything is black and gold and champagne glasses, and Lena likes this a little better because she can tuck herself into a corner and no one will ever be the wiser that she’s here. James and Lucy have of course outdone themselves, and Lena wonders if they’ve just gone and gotten eloped while they were at it, because no one she knows throws this extravagant of a party for such a tasteless holiday.

Lena keeps to the walls, and watches.

Music swirls around, and a few people recognize her, coming up to make small talk and ask her how her year’s been (she says fine, even if that couldn’t be farther from the truth). Mostly, Lena’s just trying to kill time without feeling the need to bail, at least until she can say hi to Lucy and James and then leave. After all, they’re the only reason she’s here. She’s got no other strings holding her captive.

That is, until the songs shift and Lena spots a girl in a blue dress come walking through the crowd, and it feels like someone’s thrown an anchor right at her throat. It’s more painful than she ever could have thought it would be, seeing Kara for the first time since Lena practically admitted she had feelings for Kara but could no longer act on them, it feels like someone’s slamming into her with their car and she can’t take her eyes off the impending danger. And Kara looks like she’s gracefully floated down from heaven because there’s no way any regular person could be that beautiful, and Lena’s heart is trying to figure out how to restart itself as she watches Kara walk through the room.

Her throat’s gone bone dry, and she finishes off the flute of champagne in no time to ease some of the burning. It doesn’t help. She goes off in search for more, or for Lucy and James, or for any welcoming distraction at this point, even though it physically pains her to take her eyes off Kara.

Lena practically collides with Lucy as she trails after what looks like a waiter, Lucy grabbing her by the arms and spinning her around. “Lena Luthor,” she says brightly, grin on her face that stretches to either ear. “Look at you, you’re beautiful.” For a moment, Lena feels glad she’s here in front of Lucy, here in the literal clutches of someone that is comfortable and easy and reminds Lena that love exists, even though the spark has long since faded. The moment doesn’t last long, because Lucy is wearing blue and the only way Lena knows how to acknowledge that color to her mind is referring back to Kara. It’s a damning game she keeps playing with herself.

“Lucy Lane, look at you. Bored of the army, going into party planning now, are we?” Lena teases, as she kisses Lucy amicably on the cheek. Lucy merely laughs.

“Get real, when have I ever been known to plan anything right down to what colors the damn waiter ties are supposed to be?” Lena merely raises her eyebrows in question, almost stunned Lucy even has the nerve to make a statement like that. “Whatever, that’s not important. Are you having fun? Have you seen James? I lost him somewhere in the shuffle trying to find you,” she confesses.

“I’m not surprised,” Lena replies. “It’s easy to get lost in the actual sea of people you’ve invited.” Lucy rolls her eyes, but Lena smiles graciously. “You’ve done a great job, I can wholeheartedly say this is going to be the greatest New Year’s party I have ever been to in my whole life.”

“Yeah, because it’s the _only_ one you’ve ever been to. I’m honestly surprised you came to start with and that you’re not hidden away inside your office.”

Lena huffs. “They’ve locked me out.”

“About damn time.”

James finally finds Lucy and Lena, both hands occupied with more champagne and Lena can’t remember the last time she was ever this grateful to see him walking towards her. “Lena! Good to see you,” he greets, offering out a glass to her that she’s more than happy to take off his hands. “It’s been awhile.”

“Back at you,” she says, even though she’s much more interested in the champagne he’s given her instead of his presence. “Things going well back in Metropolis?”

“Never a dull moment, that’s for sure. Have you seen Alex or Maggie?” he asks her, and Lena feels like her blood has turned into ice. Great, just what she needs, to not only play a game of avoid-Kara-Danvers-at-all-costs, but now she’s going to be on the run from what she’s sure will be Alex Danvers with a vendetta and Maggie Sawyer with no reason not to back up her fiancé. “I didn’t get to make it to their engagement party after work called and I feel terrible about missing it.”

Lena shakes her head. “I um…I haven’t seen them, no, but if I do I can gladly redirect them your way.” She says it and by god she means it, she’s not looking to spend much time in close proximity to Alex.

The music is loud, and the lights are dim, but Lena didn’t see any of it coming up until James turns around and she catches a glimpse of curly blonde hair and her heart falls to her kneecaps. It’s Kara, and for a moment Lena has to wonder why the hell she’s even talking to him, but it makes sense. Kara can’t end anything with anyone on a bad note, except for Lena. She feels her heart racing in her chest and suddenly her stomach is doing backflips and the champagne is beginning to feel like a bad idea. Lucy’s got her eyes on Lena though, a quizzical look riddling her features. Lena’s head whips in her direction, an apologetic smile on her face. “I’ve uh, I got—I’ll see you later?”

The words aren’t eloquent but the noise is loud enough to excuse that. Lena’s head is spinning and she needs fresh air, and even though Lucy doesn’t look convinced in the slightest, she nods and lets Lena scurry away.

For some reason, they’ve decided to hold this party in a ballroom, but the walls are beginning to close in on Lena and she’s already in flight mode. She doesn’t care how, but she needs to get out of here. This was, of course, a terrible idea. Next thing she knows, she’s going to collide right into Alex and spill wine all over her or something, because this is what the universe has laid out for her and it’s getting off on seeing her suffer.

She stumbles as much as someone like a Luthor who’s been bred for nothing but poise through people, trying to find at least a goddamn corner to compose herself in. A two-second glance of Kara in the same ten foot distance has sent her into this wild of a tailspin and she’s over it, she’s over this party and Lucy probably thinks she’s gone insane. It’s not that far off.

Lena finds a door that leads out to the balcony, and while it’s not isolation, the number of bodies is far more sparse than indoors and it’s fresh air, so Lena finally can breathe. The glass in her hand feels less like a weight, and she ambles away from the tables towards the railing where no one’s bothered taking up space. She fills it nicely, staring out into the black of night and taking a few deep breaths. It’s calm and quiet, save for the vibrations of the music inside, but it’s enough.

It’s enough to where all she can think about is Kara, even though that’s the one thing she’s trying to get her mind off of.

Disaster’s the only word she can find in her vernacular that accurately fits it; what else could it be? Hell, every time they come close enough in orbit, something repels them even farther away from one another. At first, it was easy to mistake it as timing, but this isn’t timing. This is simply just not meant to be, and while Lena’s trying to make her peace with it, it’s not working. She takes a long sip of her champagne and lets her eyes focus on the night sky, trying to entertain herself with something remotely beautiful.

She’s in silence for a few minutes, or maybe it’s just a few seconds—she doesn’t know, time is beginning to slip from her and she’s not bothering to keep a close handle on it—when she hears the sound of heels clicking behind her. She doesn’t turn around, her eyes still fixed out on the city beneath her because it’s probably someone who like her, needs a moment to collect themselves somewhere where the floor isn’t pulsating and there’s more color than black and gold (and in her case, blue).

“It’s pretty,” a voice comes from behind her, and Lena nearly drops her glass over the ledge. No, that’s certainly not someone who’s come to escape the party, it’s the _one_ person Lena’s left the party to escape. She stands frozen, her hand clutching onto her champagne flute as if it’s the only thing still giving her life, feeling as Kara peers around the edge of her body to try and catch a glimpse of her face. She’s still keeping her distance, but if Lena could move her head, she’d appear right in the edges of her peripheral vision in that sparkling blue dress, hair falling down her shoulders and nervously fiddling with her hands. “The city at night, it’s really pretty.”

“Yeah,” Lena says in a strangled sort of voice. “Yeah, it is.”

Kara takes a tentative step forward, and even though it’s barely an inch, it’s moving the ground underneath Lena’s feet. “I…you look very pretty tonight, too,” she adds.

Lena can think of about a thousand different responses to that, but she swallows around her already closing throat. “Thanks. So…so do you.”

There’s a pause in conversation, awkward and heavy as it hangs in the air, and finally Kara slices it (or, at least, makes a dent in it as best she can) with an impatient sigh. “Listen, Lena, I’ve been thinking about everything that’s happened between us and I—“

She doesn’t give Kara much more time to finish whatever she’s going to say before she spins on her heel, eyes locking dead onto Kara’s. It’s like falling back into the ocean, even though she’s got no idea how to keep herself afloat, and Lena can feel the wind burning in her wide eyes, sprouting tears in the corners like thorns. “No,” she breathes out. “No, you don’t…there’s _no_ reason for you to apologize. You didn’t do anything.” Lena’s willing to lay down and take all the blame for this, it’s what she’s already done and the thought that Kara’s been letting this eat away at her the way it’s surely been eating away at Lena is crushing her in two. This is why she takes the blame, so Kara doesn’t have to feel any of the pain.

“I didn’t remember kissing you,” Kara says quietly. “I didn’t remember kissing you, and I was mad at you because you never told me, and I was mad at you because…” Her voice fizzles out, as she stares down at her hands. “You thought there was no way I could have ever felt anything for you.”

Lena shakes her head fervently. “Kara, please, you don’t have to do this, you don’t have to try and fix anything or say something that’s going to please me, it’s fine, okay?”

“Stop it!” she shouts impatiently, and Lena’s a bit dazed by the sudden outburst she forgets whatever spiel she had armed and ready on her tongue. “Lena, you have got to stop with the blaming yourself and acting like you’re doing everyone some great service by just accepting what you think is fact and not even hearing what they say, you have to stop acting like everyone’s going to leave you disappointed and they’re just trying to soften the blow when they do!” Lena just watches her, watches as her shoulders rise and fall quickly after the outburst, watches as her cheeks darken in color. Kara exhales deeply before she continues, softer this time.

“Why do you think everyone is going to hurt you when you let them in?”

“That’s what happens,” Lena says, her voice hollow. “They hurt me or I hurt them first, that’s always how it goes.”

Kara just stares at her, her head tilting to the side a little, and Lena swears it’s pity coloring her face, which she can’t have any of. She can’t take Kara’s commiseration coming straight for her. “I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry that I snapped at you and, well, for lack of a better word, _throttled_ you when you didn’t even know what was going on. Alex was right when she said things took a while for you to process and it’s my fault for holding that over you.”

“Alex is right about a lot of things,” Kara notes. “She was right about you.”

“That I’m a self-serving, destructive, all-but-evil bitch who put her sister through the ringer because she got her feelings hurt?”

Kara glares at her. “That you were good. That you were reserved and lonely and needed someone, that you had a heart to give and room for another to take care of and no one had ever done right by you.”

“You’re making me sound like a wounded animal, Kara,” Lena points out. Kara ignores her.

“That everyone you tried to love and take care of only smashed your heart into the carpet and that you saw no more reasons to try. That when you looked at me, you saw every reason to start sweeping and trying to put yourself back together again. That there was no escaping the rom-com cliché the minute it found us,” she adds in, a bitter edge hinting in on her voice with the latter statement. Lena can only stare at her, confused at where she’s going with any of this.

“You thought I could have never felt…like that towards you, but you’re wrong, Lena,” Kara says defiantly. “I might not have remembered kissing you, but I remembered what it felt like when I saw you were still in National City and you bought my coffee order that day, I remembered what it felt like when I’d show up to do an interview for you and I didn’t have to even say my name for them to send me up to your office and how…how you’d smile when I came walking in, I remembered what it felt like whenever we sat in my apartment and ate Chinese food even though you don’t like Chinese, but you knew I did so you shut up and went with it anyways, I remembered what I felt when you were with Lucy, I remembered what it felt like when we were all the way back in college and I got in trouble for closing the bakery late because I was hoping you, the most _beautiful_ girl I had ever seen, would come running in.”

Kara shakes her head, grabbing the glass from Lena’s hand and setting it down on a chair within reach before she closes the space between them. Her hands brush over Lena’s bare arms as she holds her steady, and Lena can feel all of the hairs stand on the back of her neck. “I know you, Lena. And I know I’ve not been the best at it by any means, but you don’t have to keep trying to hide your heart. You _have_ me.”

“I’m sorry,” is all Lena can mutter out because she is, she’s so fucking sorry for anything and everything and all the spaces in between and her heart is up in flames and burning through all of her ribs as she keeps her eyes on Kara.

“Stop apologizing.”

Reminiscent of the last time the train derailed, Kara takes the reins in her hands, as she does with Lena’s face, and knocks the wind right from Lena’s lungs as she kisses her, kisses her with everything she has in her. For a moment, it doesn’t register in Lena’s head that this is real and it is happening, it still feels like a ghost of a dream that she’s recalling, that’s _haunting_ her, and then Kara’s lips keep colliding with hers and Lena thaws right under her fingers. This is all she has wanted, and it is happening.

“I love you,” Lena mutters against Kara’s lips when she can bear to separate them, and it’s desperate and needy and she doesn’t care anymore if she scares Kara away with it. “You are _good_ and warm and beautiful and I don’t care if you’re not going to say it back, I don’t care anymore; I just love you Kara, that’s it, I just…I love you.” It isn’t a declaration she would have initially planned on giving; the one she had mapped in her head a few seconds before Kara kissed her and turned every thought in her brain to smoke was filled with apologies and as much long-windedness and depth as Kara’s spiel had, but this is how she feels and has felt for years and it cannot wait any longer. It's done its time waiting and it is liberating saying the words she has long since repressed down inside of her. Kara's eyes are sparkling and bluer than they have ever been when she looks at her.

“Just kiss me,” Kara begs, and Lena is happy to comply.

They stand like that as time melts away, entirely wrapped in one another as the rest of the world starts to blur in comparison. All Lena knows is Kara, Kara and her lips on hers and her hands tangled in her hair and how Kara is warm, so warm, and that if Lena were to die on the spot she would be happy here. Happier than she has ever felt in her life.

When they finally part, Lena feels her center of gravity shift and welcomes it with open arms. One of her hands fumbles with a piece of Kara’s hair as she stares for a moment, tries to come to grips with her new reality. That they aren’t ending something as earth-shattering as this in another fight or disappointment. Her shoulders are weightless and she has never felt so light in her life, now able to actually laugh as one of her eyebrows quirks. “Kara Danvers, where did you get all that confidence to come out here and sweep me off my feet?”

Kara’s face falls, like the question itself has ruined the mood for her indefinitely. “Maggie forced me to do shots with her earlier.”

“Thank her for me later,” Lena mutters, tugging Kara closer to her as she kisses Kara again and again, something she will never fully accept or get over that she can now do as much as she wants and has no qualms keeping her at bay. This is what it is supposed to feel like, Lena thinks to herself. It has always supposed to feel like this, because it has always been Kara, and no one else.

Somewhere in the distance, fireworks explode.


End file.
